Quiz madness! Will it ever stop..



Your magical style is Psychic.

What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox



You are Peace.

You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"


What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday evening I had a semi-impromptu potluck at my place. I think I'm getting better at this hostess thing. Afterwards we went to see Charlie's Angels 2 which friggin KICKED ass. It was completely cheesy and silly, but I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it. At one point there was a cameo by Bruce Willis all made up to look old (he was supposed to be a congressman of some sort) and a stirring went over the crowd, "Is that Bruce Willis? It looks like Bruce Willis? Is that really Bruce Willis?" and it just went on.. and on.. I whispered to myself, "oh my gawd.. people.. " and Merima, who was sitting next to me yells out in the theater something to the sort of, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S FRIGGIN BRUCE WILLIS, PEOPLE!!" hahahaha.. totally funny.

Sunday.. went to Cleve's BBQ for Alberto's farewell party.. :( My favorite touchy feely Mexican dude is going back to Mexico..

Wierd, comments are being made, and one can access the comments, but the comment number isn't coming up. What's up with that YACCS??? HUH?? WANNA PIECE OF ME??

Fun weekend. Saturday night I was a homebody and stayed home to dye dark purple streaks in my hair. It turned out this funky multicolored design. Will write more later, must run!

Haha, too funny. And I'm geeky enough to understand why.

Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?

Ahhh summertime. The hot weather is upon us and the girls saunter around in their strappy tank tops and mini short shorts with the buttcheeks hanging out for all to see.. by process of nature, the guys out there are now in full leering force. Disgusting fugly boys, cute boys, doesn't matter.. they all stare. I want to kick them in the head!

Every morning I walk up and down my street, to the Ashby BART station and back, with China. We pass by the Mexican construction worker, the creepy cat house, the cute house with the crazy dog, the house where China pees, and the house where China poos. We get a fair amount of traffic along our little urban street because of a nearby elementary school and our proximaty to BART. Lately, I've noticed more and more creepy ass guys leering out their windows.

ARGH, I hate guys like that looking at me. Some of the guys are unabashedly pervy about it too. They stare with such intent I feel almost violated by them. Sometimes I wish I were Yuriko from Xmen2, with retractable metal claws so I could slash and disembowel these dudes when they oggle like that.

Is that wrong?

Finally got my carrot juice saga up.. go read. :)

It's friggin hot in Berkeley. This morning as I was walking China, it was already pretty toasty and that was around 8am. I was planning on playing tennis after work today, but the forecast predicts temperatures in the mid-90s and I just don't physically exert myself with temperatures that high. Not only is my sweat volume increased 10-fold, I get red and swell up like a mofo, and kiddies, that just ain't attractive. So instead, I think I'll be heading over to the Marina or Pt. Isabel with China and checking out the view from there.. water = cool. Let me know if any of youz out there wants to join me!

Carrot juice saga to be coming soon.. maybe tonight.

I am a A Ivy Dragon!

I took the http://dragonhame.com online Inner Dragon quiz and found out I am an Ivy Dragon on the inside.

In the war between good and evil, a Ivy Dragon tends to walk the fine line of Neutrality....
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon walks a fine line between Law and Chaos....
As far as magical tendancies, Magical spells come as natural to the Ivy Dragon as breathe from it's body....
During combat situations, the Ivy Dragon shows a preference for the rending and slashing of Hand to Hand combat....
The Ivy Dragon makes it's home in heavily forested areas and sometimes jungles. Ivy Dragon's are closely linked to their environments and well in tune with nature. They are the protectors of the forest, and are sometimes worshiped by druids and elves.
Ivy dragons gain their name from the powers they have over the plants and animals in their domain. These dragons often link themselves so closely to their territory that they actually entwine part of their life force into the area.
Because of this, an Ivy Dragons territory is almost always lush and beautiful. The sky is unusually clear and animal life flourishes in a way that seems magical. Ivy Dragons are fierce protectors and will defend their domain with their life, if need be. Ivy Dragon's are have a deep emerald coloring, they are medium sized dragons. Ivy Dragon's are excellent shape shifters. They can use their shape changing abilities to form tendrils or extra limbs in battle to aid them in combat.

This Dragons favorite elements are: Jade, Forests, and Protection

http://Dragonhame.Com

After this, I'm heading home to take a nap!

1) First Grade Teacher: Mrs. Franks. She loved me because I was Reading Rainbow superstar. I far surpassed my fellow students in the reading thing.
2) Last word you said: hell. (as in, "Why did he (coworker) say that in his e-mail, WHAT THE HELL?"
3) Last song you sang: Fairytale song, Tori Amos
4) Last person you hugged: Michelle, my girlfriend from the barn whose son died a month ago.. I saw her last night and chatted for a little while.
5) Last time you said I love you: to my dad, in a monotone voice without feeling ("Love you, too")
6) Last time you cried: last week watching the news.. some sappy story
7) What's in your CD player: one of DJ Tiesto's mixes I burned off of Kazaa Lite
8) What color socks are you wearing: white, boring
9) What's under your bed: expensive stuff I hide, and now all of you know. :(
10) What time did you wake up today: 7:15, to the sounds of my neighbors fucking hardcore trance music, who listens to that stuff this early??
11) Current taste: Caramel Cremesaver.. mmmm.. and Earl Grey tea, must wake up
12) Current hair: long layers, blowdried straight to get the frizzies out, then curled at the ends
13) Current clothes: brown corduroys, red top with a gold horse emblazoned on it
14) Current annoyance: coworker, see above
15) Current longing: sleep
16) Current desktop picture: No hands bridge in Auburn, CA. visited there a few years ago
17) Current worry: need to get sofa and ottoman cleaned
18) Current hate: neighbor playing music in the morning and waking me up
19) Current favorite article of clothing: I don't get attached to clothing
20) Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex/same sex: mm... thighs.. RAWR FUCK YEAH, or upper arms/shoulders
21) Last CD that you bought: Kelly Clarkston
22) Favorite place to be: home
23) Least favorite place: somewhere getting stabbed
24) If you could play an instrument, what would it be: cello
25) Favorite color: lavendar
26) Do you believe in an afterlife: yes
27) How tall are you: 5'2"
28) Current favorite word/saying: I kid!

*** Ugh, this quiz is getting boring, I'm just going to answer the easy questions***

29) Favorite season: Summer.
30) Where do you want to go: anywhere in Europe
31) How many kids do you want?: dos
32) Identify some things surrounding your computer: empty cups, used tissue, Tiger Balm, Aleve, eyedrops, lipstick, pens, mirrors, used post-its, phone, carrot juice

Today as I was driving to work, I saw a truck with bumper stickers covering his rear tail gate. They amused me.

"Have you squeezed your accordian today?"
"I play the accordian, and I vote!"
"I (heart) my accordian"

Haha, friggin Berkeley accordian-playing hippies!

I'm completely tired but content. I stayed up yapping on the phone until late into the night.. I feel like a little high school kid again.

On a side note I have a papercut on my thumb. I'm afraid a worm will crawl into it and lay eggs.. not sure how to prevent this. Maybe a band-aid will help.

<-------new links! Wayne, my gay cuddlebuddy, and Gameisgood, a Quake3 excessive site I frequent.

You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

I didn't sleep well last night.. I woke up feeling a bit stressed and tense. Every few minutes I would wake up and look at the alarm clock, paranoid that I was going to oversleep even though I remember turning it on. I have a lot to do at work today.. so maybe that's the reason. But then again, the dreams that I had last night were very stressful.

Yesterday my dad called and I hadn't spoken to him in about 1/2 a year. Sometimes I feel its better for us if he just gets my voice mail.. easier for both of us. He doesn't have to pretend that he cares or knows whats going on in my life, and I don't have to talk to him. He says next year to allot some vacation time, a week in June, to visit him in Japan. I'd rather have the money.

I think its because of this discussion I had the following dream. I was frantic, running around my school's financial aid department looking for FAFSA forms to fill out. I was worried because I needed money for summer school and thought I had passed the deadline. Every year this was an issue for me.. trying to be self-sufficient and not a burden on my mom and dad.. and I was successful getting through college with plenty of scholarships and grants, but I still have about $3000 to pay off gradually.

Last night I also was racked with feelings of guilt and deceit. I had a really cool conversation with this guy I met (the circumstances around how we met are pretty funny) But I feel like my heart is somewhere else.. and that I am betraying myself for allowing this guy into my life. I know the healthy thing is to move on and be free, live in the moment.. but I'm feeling mixed emotions.

About time for an Isabella fix. Going riding tonight.

THE PERFECT HEART

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought?

The young man looked at the old man's heart, saw its state, and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love, I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped apiece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands.

The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.


How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart.

Yay for new couch! (thank you Merima for helping me move it, I owe you a BJ!)



More paintings of my grandmothers to go up soon.

OH MY GOD THIS POST ROCKS!!! It just epitomizes the nature of CLMC posts. Random, bored thoughts that pop to mind. I (heart) it.

Last night I was lying in bed and almost keeled over in exhaustion. I was so incredibly tired.. and it was just past midnight. Damn I'm growing old. I could *so* use a nice massage right about now. And as I was reading my book, the little neurotic creature inside me refused to end in a chapter that doesn't end in 0, 5 (preferably), 7 or 3. Bizarre.. but I've had that habit ever since I started reading books way back when. Must buy more books.

This weekend was relaxing. I can usually blend myself in wherever I go.. but it was a little tougher to relate to barn Andrea's crowd. Her friends are all in their late 30s, white, and mostly attached with either husband/kids, or significant others. I engaged in self-destructive behaviors and all was good but I couldn't wait to come back to Berkeley.. I needed to come home. I am definitely more myself and more relaxed around my Berkeley friends.

I spent all last night downloading what I thought was Finding Nemo. When I wake up this morning and play the movie, I find that it is actually Fight Club disguised as Finding Nemo. What the heck is up with that..

Two doctor's appointments this afternoon. Then Merima and I are going to pick up this couch I won on ebay. (woohoo, Superscore! $50!!)

You're A Fan Service!
Your only real purpose is to amuse the perverts.
You always seem to fall with your butt in the
air, and everyone always knows what colour your
panties are.


What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Hooray!! No hentai?

Note to all those anonymous commenters out there... I KNOW WHO YOU ARE (or can find out)!! So sign your name/email.

(ok, being nice here)

Seriously people, I use this journal as a nice little happy spot for me to entertain my family and friends with my silly little stories and thoughts. Please don't stress me out.. I'm way too sensitive (and my feelings get hurt easy = wimpy) to be playing games so please respect my wishes.

Sometimes I look at my blog template and think, what the heck am I going to write about? Then the words just flow out like diarrhea.

Tonight I will be heading up towards the American River for a weekend with my horsey friends. My friend Andrea is having her 'official' bachelorette party until Sunday, so China and I will be partying with her and 3-4 other girls that I don't know. Okay, I know one other gal.. most of them are a lot older. I face the weekend with trepidation because I don't really like drinking with people I don't know. Most of my friends know it doesn't take much to get me the slightest buzz. 1/2 of a mixed drink and I'm a happy camper for the rest of the night (cheap drunk, hooray for asian genes).. but when other people see me drink, they always encourage me to drink a lot more than I should. Thank goodness for sink drains and self-control.

Last night I was having major gastrointestinal problems because of eating chili cheese fries I ate late Tuesday night. I didn't want to mention it yesterday because quite simply, it's gross. But, I have to admit I have a problem. My name is Julienne, and I have a farting problem. Or at least the past two nights I did. Wednesday night was horrible.. I have never been in such dire straights. I was surprising myself at the intensity and frequency of such gas.. and my poor poor China was not amused. She stayed in the other room. It's times like this that I'm sad that I have no one to share it with. hehe.

Anyways, last night I went to play pool with Merima and a few friends.. and of course, I shared my problem with all of them being the kind person that I am. We were conversing while eating gelato beforehand and I must've been sitting there, quiet, with a contemplative look on my face because Merima looks at me and suddenly exclaims, "I know that face!! I've babysat kids before.. We gotta get her outside!" hehehe. So, a few times during the night I had to cut one because otherwise my colon would've imploded. I was a little buzzed which made the whole thing much funnier to my delight and I remember high-fiving Walt a few times when I would scare people away from me. But.. giving props to one of the best friends a gal could have, Merima stayed by my side during those times my other friends would abandon me because of my colonic disturbances. Props to my girlfriend!

After pool we went back to the Smokehouse Grill and I had more chili cheese fries.

..And with this entry I have eliminated the possibility of any prospective dates with all those cute male readers out there.

Browsing through craigslist MC's this week, there have been several discussions about soulmates and if they truely exist. I thought I would share some of my beliefs.. or at least what I wish to believe..

I believe in karma.. what you do undo others you will receive back one day. Being kind to other people will beget kindness in one form or another. In the same kind of circular thought pattern, I believe our lives follow a somewhat predestined path not unaffected by free will. There are a few things that will remain static to each of our lives, and that is the soulmates crossing paths. You can have one.. you can have a few soulmates. Maybe each to their own degree of influence in your life. Your soulmate will be there, will understand you better, connect emotionally with you more than anyone else encountered in your life. He or she will be a positive influence, making you strive to be a better person. Human nature dictates that we are constantly searching.. searching.. for a better life, whether it be the next career path, love, food, friends.. but once this soulmate is found, the primal need to search for this person will end.. and a sense of inner peace will take over our minds. A calmness will flood that area in us that was once chaotic and lost.. and both are drawn to each other and feel the need to be together so badly sometimes it hurt their inner core when they are apart.

I don't necessarily think our soulmate will be the love interest in our life, the one we share both emotional and physical feelings with.. the connection felt is much deeper and stronger than a physical connection. It can be a best friend, someone who we love deeply and understand more than any other person can.

Maybe this is a pipe dream.. but it would be nice if it were true.

I should start my own religion. "And this is a penis" "Mmm-hmm" (A Mighty Wind reference)

Another gratuitous China picture I took last night.



As you can tell, when I stay home alone I get pretty bored. Last night I came home and began watching Spirited Away. I got about halfway through then fell asleep for about 2 hours. I seem to fall asleep easily when I watch movies I've seen before (which makes the point of having a DVD collection pretty useless - I can't tell you how many times I've fallen asleep watching Forrest Gump). I woke up to this reality show on UPN about surfers. It was almost surreal because the show was pretty awful.

I chatted with Merima and Laquel for a few hours after that while making some yummy chocolate chip cookies. I made a buttload of them cookies.. with organic sugar and wheat flour--so they're somewhat healthy! I must not eat them all........... I gave some to China's dogwalker and coworkers today. Mmm.. they're so yummy.

I have little Halloween ghosts that I've placed on my window sill that you can see as you're walking up to my front door. My little ghosts have little conferences and visit each other. I see them in one place and the next day they are moved to another place. The odd thing is they all look the same, so how do they tell the difference between each other?

Damnit, makes me mad that cute boys on friendster are all GAY!!! GAY I TELL YOU!! WHY GOD WHY?!?!?! Maybe they'll cuddle with me. That would make me temporarily happy.

I've officially entered bachelorette-dom.

# of condiments in fridge > # of normal food in fridge

I had a dream last night that this girl's yappy little dog ran over to me and peed on my tennis shoes. She gave me $20 to make up for it. I thought it was too much, but I took it anyway.

Last night a bunch of us went to play pool at a local bar in Berkeley. How is it that alcohol makes me play pool better? I'm not sure how, but I planted 3 balls in a row while inebriated. Most games I can get 2 balls in at the most. Anyways, I've discovered when playing pool every single thing you say has a sexual connotation. Rack, balls, stick, polishing the nob, lubricating the stick, spreading the rack, shots, etc etc. Interesting.

We've decided to spread rumors about people in our group. Here's what we have so far:
Merima: has a third nipple under her armpit
Walt: has 3 testicles. one of them has not descended
Amit: nipples are the size of plates
Me: gets turned on by armpit sex

We are creative geniuses!

Six men were trapped by happenstance
In bleak and bitter cold.
Each one possessed a stick of wood
Or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs
The first man held his back,
For of the faces 'round the fire
He noticed one was black.

The next man looking 'cross the way
Saw one not of his Church
And couldn't bring himself to give
The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes.
He gave his coat a hitch.
Why should his log be put to use
To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought
Of the wealth he had in store
And how to keep what he had earned
From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge
As the fire passed from his sight.
For all he saw in his stick of wood
Was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group
Did nought except for gain.
Giving only to those who gave
Was how he played the game.

Their logs held tight in death's still hands
Was proof of human sin.
They didn't die from the cold without;
They died from the cold within.

By James Patrick Kinney
Originally published in Liguorian, April 1970

Last night I had dreams of IV tail vein injections. I think my job is stressing me out a little bit.

To decompress a little after work, I went and visited Isabella and went for a nice relaxing ride. When I ride her out on the trail and don't plan on riding fast or hard, I usually throw a bareback pad on her (which has these squishy honeycomb shock absorber thingies) and head on out. Last night I decided to go on a short little loop so I just hopped on her without the pad. Bad idea. Her backbone has become much more prominant since the last time I rode her like that, so I suffered some vaginal pubic area trauma. Now I know what guys go through when they are kicked in the nads. Or at least repeatedly socked there.

Other than the crotchal injury, it was a nice ride.

I love cereal.

Ugh, sad. I'm feeling a little bummed and depressed. I just found out from one of my coworkers that the director spoke to her and told her that my group is in danger of being laid off. Although I'm only 50% in my group and 50% in her group (w/ the cancer team), I'm still feeling bad because I had a bad morning. I'm learning and so I'm still not very good at the technical skills required.. which leaves me feeling frustrated and inadequate. i don't want to be here at work.. I need to crawl under the covers and be sad.

Yay for Monday mornings!

Weekend highlights. Saturday morning, a few girlfriends and I headed into the city for this Nordstrom makeup expo/event. This consisted of hauling my ass out of bed earlier than I do during the weekday to be in the city by 8am. Half asleep and groggy, I watched as old women / high maintenance women / gay men / men dragged along by their significant others shuffled through the store at that ungodly Saturday hour. There were quite a few people overly enthusiastic about cosmetic products and as I was sitting there, watching the fashion show showing the "latest summer trends (pink!!)", I realized how out of place I felt. I will never be that person that spends hours primping herself in the mirror, using a thousand cremes and potions to remove small blemishes fabricated in her mind. On the other hand, I can shop all day long (I hadn't had my fix in quite a while), and I got a pair of cargo pants that KICKS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday morning I got up early again (ugh, what is happening to me) to go hiking with China and Laquel and her dog, Q at Tilden park. We hiked around for a few hours then came back to check out the Ashby flea market and Juneteenth festival. That evening was my little apartment warming party which was pretty fun. People got drunk and silly.. but it was a mellow time watching movies and playing GTA3. Sometimes I feel a little odd having people over because I don't feel like I play hostess very well. I'm all for the self-maintaining guest. Come over, eat my food, drink stuff from the fridge, entertain yourself, then leave. My job will be to direct people where the food is and clean up after them and make sure the toilet paper is sufficiently stocked.

Argh! This morning I cried. I'm such a sap.. :( On ABC they highlight certain 'extraordinary' people and this morning it was a 7th grader born with a congenital defect that made him have shortened legs and arms. They followed him throughout his school day and his family life. What got me was his relationship with his older brother.. one day they were lamenting over how soccer was just too dangerous for the kid and how he had to give it up. The older brother started crying.. he gave his brother a hug and said he would do anything to give him his arms and legs for a soccer season to allow him to play.. and I started crying because I was so touched at how kind he was and how strong the sibling bond was between the two of them. Now what's up with that.. I'm not even PMS'ing. :P

I can't believe it's Friday already. This week just zoomed past! Being busy really makes the time fly by quickly. Friday the 13th.. DUHN DUHN DUHn........

The PornOrchestra last night was interesting. They had several musical groups and singers accompaning various clips of old school 70s porn. Back then, most everyone had natural boobs and really hairy genitals. Throughout the music (which was really wierd yodeling and instrument bashing/honking that was supposed to sound erotic or something), they had 3-4 scenes of porn on the screen. Sometimes they even had porn coming at you from the side of the theater.

For the first hour or so, my friends and I giggled and made silly little comments about how kitschy the old school porn was, "Hey, that's my mom!!" "Dude's wearing polar bear pajamas!" "I just creamed my pants!!" but after a while, our senses became numb to the porn. Flesh covered the screen - large hairy orifices and thick giant penises... and we began to stare like zombies, mesmerized by all the pornage. We were entering porn overload. It didn't help that the MC of the event was a scary dominatrix clown scantily clad in BDSM regalia.

By the end of the night, I think we were all mentally exhausted by all the porn activity. Frustration was brought on by the porn, since I'm not getting any at the moment.. but that's been a dilemma for me these past few months. I could so easily satisfy that frustration.. but then again, I could wait until doing the deed will actually be meaningful to me.. patience, my dear Padwan.

Ok, I jumped on the bandwagon and made a movie too. (If you haven't already, you can go check out Lizette and Steve's) Tell me what you think.

Stop leaving and you will arrive. Stop searching and you will see. Stop running away and you will be found.
-Lao Tzu

Oh yeah! Merima, Garret, and I were having fun last night on the drawing board. To view the pictures we drew, go to the 'Draw Stuff' link on the side, press the 'load' button, and a window will pop up with recently saved pictures. Go take a looksie. :)

Tonight I will be venturing out with my friends to the Parkway theater in Oakland to view the beautiful orchestral sounds of PornOrchestra. They provide live music in accompaniment to pornographic film. I am not quite sure how I feel about this. I'll probably be the one giggling self-consciously in the corner. eeeek

And now on to more important topics.

In my bathroom, the toilet paper is situated so you have to lean over foward while you're sitting to reach for the roll. First off, who places the TP holder so you have to bend over foward to reach for it? I prefer my TP holders at my immediate left hand side. No reaching required. Anyways, aggravating the odd placement of the TP holder is the fact that the toilet seat cover on my toilet is loose.. so without a firm butthold on the seat, the seat cover has a tendency to sometimes slide quickly off to the side if you are sitting in any way off balance. I've come very close to falling off quite a few times already. If that day ever happens, I hope China isn't around because falling down in front of my dog (because of the toilet) would be embarrassing.

I need some caulking to secure my toilet. That sounds funny to me. I like saying that in random public places, "I NEED CAULK FOR MY TOILET!! ANYONE?!"

Oh yeah, I saw Finding Nemo last night with a bunch of friends. I *LOVED* it! Funniest Disney movie since Aladdin.. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The computer animated graphics were incredible (the water, oh my!) and Ellen Degeneres was soo funny. Can't wait to see it again.. yay!

A few thoughts.

What is with the resurgence of herpes medicine commercials on TV? It seems everytime I turn on the television there is an ad, "DO YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAVE GENITAL HERPES??" eek! Maybe with springtime and summer rolling around people are more sexually active and are more likely to deal with their STDs.

..and why doesn't coffee cake contain coffee? I have a huge bottle of Trader Joe's instant coffee and I looked in my recipe book for a coffee cake recipe.. no sign of coffee as an ingredient anywhere. Am I being totally stupid? BAH.

The repercussions of my breakup are finally hitting. A word to the wise, never EVER cosign a loan or join open a loan or account with someone who doesn't share your last name.

I tried to refinance my truck loan today -- my company's credit union is offering a 4.9% refinance rate until mid-July. Currently I pay about $500 a month on my truck with a 7.9% interest rate. I could've gone down to a $230 monthly payment but with two mortgages on my credit report, they wouldn't approve me. The loan counselor was very understanding and tried to fight for my case by explaining my situation.. but without proof that he is in the process of selling the house or refinancing in his name, they wouldn't budge. *sigh*

Oh well. Nothing has changed so it's not a super tragedy.

On a side note, I was driving to work from lunch and I thought about how lucky I was to have Isabella and China.. such wonderful little critters. Truly sent from the Heavens to grace my existance with their presence. I don't mean to sound all cheesy and mushy, but they are both so AWESOME. As horses go, Isabella has one of the soundest minds.. she's incredibly smart, listens to me.. she's sensible and I enjoy every single minute I spend with her. And China, with her cute little adoring eyes.. I think she's the nicest dog EVARRR! Her dogwalker says she's the model perfect dog and makes up for all the bad dogs she has to take care of. I (heart) them both so much!!!

Hectic busy times at work. It leaves me drained at the end of the day, but I am content. Yesterday I really needed to decompress after work so I went and had a lovely ride on Isabella. I no longer bring China to the barn with me because there is another dog there that bullys her and torments her so much she doesn't even want to leave the truck. Poor thing. Isabella was feeling quite spunky and we had a fast, fun ride through the Diablo Hills.

Today Merima and I will go to the Berkeley Marina with China and fly her kite, woohoo! I love living in Berkeley.

You are Tank, from "The Matrix." Loyal
till the end, you spare no expense in ensuring
the well-being of others.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
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Ahh! My ass still hurts from this weekend. There's just something about pressing up a metal plate against your seat bones for 6+ hours that makes life uncomfortable for the next few days.

Interesting.. through friendster I found out the first crush I ever had is gay! Funny how things work out (and we are linked through Jesus, how ironic). Let me tell you a little story I had about him (since I have nothing else to write about).

It was 7th grade. He was blonde, had beautiful eyes, and was very very shy and sweet. We had a mutual friend who found out I liked Jake through another friend (don't you love junior high romance?). We were in Cotillian together (yes, I ballroom danced.. although my brother is officially deemed the Cotillian King) and he would ask me to dance whenever he got a chance. In social studies class, he came up to me and asked for my phone number. At this point, I freaked out. The first boy that liked me.. I thought, what would we talk about?? I mean, I wanted a boyfriend, but I didn't want to actually have to talk to him! How awkward would that be? So I told Tommy I wasn't interested anymore. I'm not sure if I broke his little pretty boy heart.. but after he asked me for my phone number I began seeing all the stuff about him I shouldn't like. He was a bit clumsy in his preteen years. He walked a little like a duck. Then he moved away and I missed him.. my first crush. And now, almost 15 years later, he prefers the company of men. Yikes.

I had so much fun this weekend. I can't wait to go camping again! I definitely have the bug now.. yay for summer! Unfortunately today's forcast in Berkeley seems to be gray and overcast. Not that I mind, I love overcast weather, but its not the weather to get you motivated and outside again.

Friday, 6 friends and I headed off towards the Russian River to go canoeing with approximately 150+ other folks. Rather than give you a boring monologue about the trip, I'll briefly summarize the highlights.

I slept like a log.

150+ people in a relatively small campsite gave rise to a high concentration of really loud snoring people.

Tap water up there tasted like salty ass.

We canoed for about 6 hours on Saturday with two kegs floating along the river with us. Those canoes were very popular.

My canoe partner, Walt, KICKED BUTT! We capsized once within the first 5 minutes and lost our drinking water.. but then we found a bottle of juice which had alcohol in it. Life was good after that.

Our canoe was named 'Fucko Bitch' or 'Bitch Fucko'. I don't remember, my memory is hazy. Could've been the juice.

My left leg got mangled and bruised by that first capsize. I think my big toenail is going to fall off. I offered to sell it to my friends, even give it to them for free, but there were no takers.

As we were drifting along the river, I couldn't shake the idea that I was in Disneyland's Wild Water Adventure out of my head. I kept expecting to see plastic animals opening their mouths robotically along the sides of the shore.

I wore a bathing suit with more coverage, but now I have two different sets of tan lines. I didn't get burned, amazingly.

I didn't kill any of my friends like I thought I would.

Pictures will be posted later today.

I shall be leaving now! And leaving you with my image. Blow it up. Lick it. And place it on your ceiling to spit gumwads at it. One is of me evil smiley.

OH MY GOD I'M SO BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRREED.

I hope my last post didn't come off as bitter or angry. Cuz I'm not. Just sayin'.

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boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored

Holy moly, I just realized something. In addition to these cycles I've noticed I get into with these guys in my life, my dad did the same thing to his family. He got into a shitload of trouble and brought everyone down with him. It affected our entire lives. This must not happen again. I believe this is why I internalize everything. When I'm in trouble, I take it all inside and self-destruct. When my family and friends are in trouble, I want to take away their pain for myself and self-destruct. I think that's where I get this. I go to the opposite polar extreme. Ahh! New topic for my therapist. I haven't seen him in ages because his dad is having health problems. :( But.. I think I'm doing okay without him.

I must add a comment here.. Merima and I have spoken about this before.

Just because I write about something that upsets me or makes me sad.. doesn't mean that it encompasses my whole life. I write about issues here that pass through my head, thoughts that may come to you during the day. I write and elaborate upon them here.

So if I write about something sad.. it doesn't mean that I'm a terminally depressed person. If I complain about guys, it doesn't mean that I'm a testosterone hater. It's just one passing thought.

Meeting these guys that I've created this cycle with.. it hasn't been this year. It's been my whole life. A trend that I only recently noticed. And now I'm going to make a difference and break that cycle. I have clarity now which I haven't had before, and with that in mind, I know better now what I want. I'm not in active guy-pursue mode. Nor am I going to totally exclude dating. It's just a matter of knowing what I want.

Ohhh... my stomach is making bizarre strange unfamiliar noises and I don't know what to do. What are you telling me, stomach?? What is your secret message??

For the past week or so I've been eating this box of Grape Nuts I stole from Mark's dorm the day he moved out. Hey, the cafeteria was right there and they needed to clean out their pantries at the end of the school year, so I was generous enough to help myself to some hot chocolate, bananas and apples, oatmeal, and this box of Grape Nuts. So.. I eat my 1/2 cup of Grape Nuts every morning with raisens in my soy milk. My stomach isn't used to digesting roughage like Grape Nuts.. so every morning my stomach does this twisty gurly thing where it makes lots of noise. But at least I'm regular.

HEEEEEEEEEEY~~! Tomorrow I'm off to go canoeing and camping at the Russian River! YAYAYAY!! I'm so excited.. a mini-vacation! Then, in two weeks my girlfriend Andrea from the barn is having her *real* bachelorette party. Apparently the first one was a warm up. So we're going to her house on the river again.

My two bosses are gone today. Actually they'll be gone for all of next week as well.. one is on maternity leave and the other on vacation. You know what that means.. well, actually I wish I could slack off, but I have a lot of crap to do. Poo.

I updated my Friendster profile. I no longer list 'dorky things' as all of my interests/music/TV shows/movies. With Steve's suggestion, I actually put some thought into them and wrote them out.

One last thought. No more bitterness. My problems are so trivial compared to what people have gone through in their lives. I was watching the news this morning and on this segment called 'Real Life Heroes', there was this woman who was raped then shot 3 times and left in a field to die. She played dead and got up to get help after her attacker drove away in her car. She was this pretty young woman, a first grade teacher.. devoted to her family and God. As she spoke, her face was full of life.. but yet, you could see the sadness way back in her eyes. So, I'm not going to pine anymore.

Ah! Okay, so that was the second to last thought, I need to add one more thing (and kudos to you if you've been reading with me this far). There has been a trend in my life that I'm going to break right now. Most of the guys I've fallen for have had issues not involving me that have prevented us from being together. I have been told I was "loved", "special", "one of a kind", "unique". Those words mean nothing to me if actions aren't taken. Plus, I've been hurt when issues not involving me have brought the other person down. Somehow I get entangled and have been pulled down as well. I can count *4* times this has happened in the past off the top of my head. No more of that. I am breaking this self-destructing cycle of getting involved with guys like that. I can't change them no matter how good a person I think they are. I deserve better.

Last night I dreampt for the first time in a long time.. I don't remember my dreams usually. I dreampt of him.. which is odd because I usually don't dream about what happens in real life.

I'm trying to improve myself, but I'm finding myself increasingly bitter about people. Although I'm fiercely loyal to the friends I've established, I have a growing malcontent with strangers. When I walk anywhere, I rarely if ever acknowledge anyone, and I don't smile. I don't know why I do this.. well, maybe it's because the last few people I've met have been asswipes.

At this party I went to recently, Jenga was set up so everytime you removed a block from the pile, you had to answer or do the dare that was previously written on it. One of the blocks I recieved said, "Lick some whipped cream off of a body part". One of the guys at the party, one I had just met said loudly to me, "Hold on, let me take off my pants". It disgusts me that there are people like that in this world.. but I as I'm growing older, it seems like that is all most guys want and most can be manipulated with that in mind. It's a sad and depressing realization. Why can't I be a lesbian?? Why, GOD WHY!?

Despite everything. I miss him. I hate feeling.

I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming