Moving on!

Tomorrow morning at 4am, Mark and I will be waking up (well, more likely I'll be dragging his ass off the floor and into the truck) for the trip down south for Thanksgiving. I have no idea how I'll be going through with this feat as I haven't woken up that early on purpose EVER. Tonight I'll be stocking up on any sort of beverage that has a hint of caffeine in it, and enough junk food to make me feel guilty but justified somehow in that chewing will keep me awake.

I figure we'll get down there, then sleep for a few hours, and wake up in time for the Thanksgiving feasting. This year it'll be spent at my mom's new place so 2 sets of aunts and uncles, my grandparents, and my cousin, Miri, will all be there. It's going to be exciting.. Thanksgiving has always been spent at my cousin's in Irvine. Plus China will be there to meet everyone.. I've had no time to bathe her since she got pooped on.. so I'll just spray cologne on her and hope no one notices.

Yeah! Moving on. Ha.

Here ya go.. CAM PICTURES!

The top 2 on the left were taken tonight.. the rest were taken different times throughout the year, most recent on top. I like how my boobs are sandwiched between pictures of my family..

How utterly vain of me. EEECK I can't even look at the page..

Oh yeah that gross blurry picture is my mosquito bite ridden stomach.

My Oz Prison Bitch name would be Fancy Pants.

Glen Ross (whoever you are) gave me an idea that I've been meaning to do for a while.. I'm going to have a 'cam page' to post up all the cam pictures that have come and gone through the journal pages (there have been quite a few). I'll try and do it tonight if I have time..

I did a little bit of Christmas shopping yesterday. Well... not really, I just bought stuff for myself.

Okay, so I did a little shopping last week on amazon.com for my brother, cousin, and mom.. so at least now they're out of the way. I'm returning a bunch of stuff from Bath and Body Works because it "gave me a rash" and with the store credit I'll just buy a bunch of candles for everyone else... aren't I clever?

So.. I bought these cute Wrangler jeans and a belt, a shirt (which I'm returning tonight), and Bath and Body Works Green Tea lotion, body wash, and body spray. I also finally tried out a Krispy Kreme donut from the new store that just opened in Concord. The maple dippled donuts make me want to jizz in my pants they're soo incredibly yummy!

I trailered Isabella to Tilden park this weekend with Bob and Tavi.

China came along and was promptly poo'd on by Isabella



Red mud and a sweaty horse.



A beautiful view of the San Pablo dam.. it was very foggy and hazy that day.



The trails at Tilden are beautiful! Excellent footing.. we had a lot of fun..



Oh yeah, China needs more bandanas for Christmas, please. =)

This is what happened yesterday.. mere blocks from where I work in Berkeley. At the same time, this was going on. On the drive back to work from lunch, we saw 3 squad cars and a bunch of police officers pressing a guy up against a fence apprehending him. This was a block from our work. It makes me nervous to walk out to my truck in the evenings..

Matt came by again in the evening last night.. he called at around 11:30pm asking if I would mind some company. I was already in bed at that point but I said it was alright.. although I was a bit worried.. what if my fears of becomming his booty call were true? Well, we would see.. he drove over and we watched the end of Mortal Kombat (on a side note, I remember how awesome that movie was when I saw it 7 years ago.. and last night it was kind of lame). Then we went to bed, talked.. and that was it..

At 9am I had a visit to my therapist.. each time I go I discover a little something about myself... He's very helpful in pinpointing exactly what my problem areas are.. what I am most sensitive about. We talked about my low self-image.. and no matter how accomplished I am I don't think I'm anything that special. Going to college, graduating in a degree in Biotechnology, having a prestigious job at a big pharmaceutical company (where I do things like work on my webpage, haha). I always feel these aren't good enough.. and that they're no big deal.. anyone can do it if they wanted to. Part of it is because I don't really feel like I worked hard to earn these things. Getting by has always been easy for me. It's recognizing what I've done as being special that is my problem. I have to learn to be happy with what I have..

Lizette and Andy tell of their irrational fear of needles and worms in their blogger this week. I have a similar fear of reptiles eating reptiles/amphibians. There were no reptiles eating reptiles/amphibians in my dream last night, however, there were many many frogs.

I was in the bottom of this grassy valley adjacent to a small pool. To my right you could see the hills climbing up both sides, left and right, and centered was this beautiful grassy hill shrouded by mystical white fog. I took my digital camera out to take a picture but couldn't quite get the correct angel in front of the pool so I wandered over to the other side to get a wider angle. I walk through this damp tunnel with moss along the walls and notice a wet frog just sitting up against the wall. Ew. I place my camera down and look around some more and I notice about a dozen frogs placed all around this tunnel, everywhere.. YUCK!! A frog lands on my camera and as I reach for it, it hops away with my camera.. it hops out of the tunnel and right into the pool of water.. the water is clear and I dive after the frog. The frog disappears into a pipe at the bottom of the pool. I think of the toilet that is next to the tunnel and wonder if the frog will manifest itself there, but in actuality I know that I've lost my camera forever.

Very odd and random. Here is a dream interpretation I found:
To see frogs leaping in your dream, may indicate your lack of commitment. You have the tendency to jump from one thing to another. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal.

To dream that you are catching a frog, signifies your carelessness concerning your health.

Lack of commitment.. I can see this stemming from lack of trust of the current guy I'm seeing. Well, all guys in general actually. As soon as I thought he was blowing me off I immediately began flirting with other guys to have someone 'in the hull' in case I was going to be left. Bad.. bad.. BAD. I will try and give him the benefit of the doubt if I feel the same next time. He's very cute.. the last time he visited he left the DVD of "Training Day", the movie he brought to watch.. and when I told him he says, "Well, don't you know its a good sign when a guy leaves something behind?" Well. I suppose it is.. but on one of my one-date-wonders, a guy left his sweater in my car.. and so I gave it to Mark who promptly shrunk it on one of his laundry mis-adventures. This time he left a bunch of books he brought over to read. =)

Good thing I'm seeing my doctor/therapist tomorrow. Maybe its time to set an appointment with my normal doctor. I woke up this morning still feeling like crap from my adventures earlier on this week. I'm looking forward to sleeping in this weekend.. and catching up on some badly needed rest.

SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST!
I RECEIVED THIS FROM A WOMAN AT WORK. I HATE THOSE
HOAX EMAIL WARNINGS, BUT THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT!
IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS
CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR
BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM,
HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS. I WISH I HAD
GOTTEN THIS YESTERDAY. I FEEL SO STUPID.
SIGNED,
BLONDIE

I look quite callipygian in these jeans. Word of the day, folks.. look it up..

Last night.. what a night.

I'm at work though.. alive and in relative comfort (thanks to a Pepsi, Tums, and 2 Aleve).. comfort enough to be sitting here and writing this at least.

I recieved a call from the boy that had been worrying me around 8pm. I told him everything.. how I was hurt he wasn't calling me back, etc. He apologized.. and hopefully he won't leave me in limbo again.. but we'll see. He came over and he had a little bit of bud that he was going to give to his friends.. so we tried a little bit of it. The last time I had done it was around 3 weeks ago.. for him it had been a few years. Well, that shit was strooooong. We snacked on these raspberry crisps from Trader Joe's.. then it knocked him out with a happy grin on his face.. and made me extremely tired as well. I showered then crawled into bed. Around 2am I woke up with awful abdominal cramps. The kind of cramps I had when my appendix was huge and rupturing. I sit up moaning and clutching my stomach.. then manage to get to the bathroom (in a nauseous dizzy state) and proceed to puke my guts out. Lather, rinse, repeat, for the rest of the night.. I puked even when there is nothing left to puke. I had it down.. my little stool in front of the toilet, a hair thingy to hold my hair back.. my pain was organized.

Matt was sweet.. rubbing my back and holding me, hugging me.. telling me he was sorry I felt bad.. even when I broke out into this cold sweat he held me. Eventually he fell into his coma-like sleep (boy does not wake up!) and I managed to curl up next to him for warmth and rested for a few hours until we woke up at around 10. I called my boss, telling her of what happened the night before.. and barely managed to go to work, bringing along plastic bags in case those nauseus waves actually made me project something.

I was so close to going to the emergency room.. the only reason I didn't was because I felt a little gurgling in my stomach so I was hoping that they were gas pains.. but nothing ever did come out of that end.

I will not eat Trader Joe's Raspberry Crispie things again. Or Trader Joe's Shepherd's Pie. And I will not smoke. Ugh.

Addendum: My dating track record with Matt
1st date Poison us both with bad fish that I cooked
2nd date Gave him my cold to remember me by
3rd date Spent half the night puking
What will happen next to our ill-fated couple.. death? dismemberment? Stay tuned and find out!

Each morning I spend about 15 minutes blowing my nose, clearing all the mucus that has accumulated through the night. I usually do this at work to gross out/entertain my cubemates, honking my nose and making the sounds as disgusting as I can.

I got my new Verizon phone.. so my number has changed. As of November 28th, my 212-7605 number is no longer existant.. I'll send out an email to those of you want want my new number.. CINGULAR SUCKS!!

Last night I had the oddest dream as I was waking up (alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late.. grr). I dreampt I was in this room and there was a pit with a crocodile inside. There were also a bunch of komodo dragons wandering around the room. All of a sudden, the crocodile leapt up and grabbed one of the komodo dragons.. I was totally disgusted (for some reason reptiles eating reptiles grosses me out more than anything else in the world) so I turn away. I'm lingering around.. and see that the same crocodile has grabbed China! One of my old college friends is there watching but she didn't say anything to me. :( So I fight off the crocodile and China has this gash on her head.. I rush her over to a treatment room in a vet hospital (conveniently close) and begin treating her with antibiotic and anti-inflammatory injections. I clean up her wounds.. and she's quiet throughout all of this. I carry her out to this crowded grassy field and put her down on the ground and she runs away to go play like nothing happened. Bizarre.

Oh yeah, I mentioned before that I recieved this new digital camera from an ebay auction. Actually the camera was refurbished.. I took a few photos this weekend and I'm very pleased with the quality of the images (although the size of them seem kind of big.. >200K, I have to see how to turn down the resolution). Anyways, as I'm downloading the pictures, I notice that there is one thrown into the middle that I didn't take.. which is wierd because all of the pictures were downloaded sequentially. It's this picture of 2 men, one black one mediterranean looking, with their arms over each others shoulders. It looks like it was taken in someone's cubicle. WTF??

Maybe the camera is cursed. I wonder if I'll continue to get images of these men in different poses each time I download pictures off my camera. It'll be interesting to see.. I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

Sooo.. at the moment I don't really want to write about what's been preoccupying my thoughts.. because they've been negative, unproductive ideas.. not truths.. as to what's been going on seeing this new guy. And that's all I've got to say about that.

In other news, I'm joining Bally's tonight. I'm looking forward to joining a gym to go to regularly instead of being cooped up in my room doing my stairclimber.. that just ain't right!

I had a good weekend. Saturday night Mark and I got these takeout ribs plus extras from this local BBQ restaurant. The menu for the combo we got read 'Feeds 3 people'. Mark corrected it, 'Or 2 Koreans'. He was right.. we pigged out on our trifecta to "Chicken Run".

I bought the new "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" DVD and Grand Theft Auto 3 on Saturday as well.. I was playing GTA3 and I'm not very good at it. I keep running people over, smearing them with my car.. and having the popo catch me. I try to drive good during missions but then I get timed out.. :( Damn that video game driving!

falling in love is just that -- falling.
sometimes you merely trip and stub your toe.
sometimes you fall to your hands and knees.
but sometimes you smack your head against the pavement and die.

Joke I read today..



the seven dwarfs were all sitting in a hot tub feeling happy







so happy got out

A good way to kill me right now would be to put duct tape over my mouth.

I had the oddest dream last night. It was about a guy that I worked with in high school.. he's going to school in Missouri now and I haven't heard from him in ages. I remember not wanting the dream to end.. that we were meant to be together and he was "the perfect" love for me. Silly, stupid dreams..

On the sick note, I'm back at work today, still congested. My sickness has progressed to coughing up all sorts of yellow semi-solid gunk. I love this stage of being sick.. you never know what will be coughed up next. Unfortunately my nose phlegm is still clear.. sticky, but clear.

Stayed home today.. went from 'blah' sick to 'miserable' sick overnight... yucky.

When I'm sick I eat like crap. Today for lunch: Odwalla Superfood drink, PB&J, Flaming Hot Cheetos. My stomach is not going to be happy.

Yay I'm finally sick!

First time sick in.. 2 years or so? I'm definitely getting sick. Due to lack of sleep last night and hanging around sick Andrea on Friday.. I've gradually accumulated the beginning signs of sickness. Tiredness, that raw feeling at the back of your sinuses, nose getting stuffy. Its coming, I can feel it. I'm so tired.. but I took a caffeine pill in hopes I'll make it home okay.. then I crash.

No plans tonight.. I was going to go see Isabella.. but I'm soo incredibly tired. *snoooooooze*

I'm feeling better... much better. A sense of normalcy is returning to my life.. a steady contentment.. one that I have missed. The new guy came over again last night.. I didn't poison him this time with my cooking (it must've been the fish - I think it was pretty old!).

Ohhh side note! Went to Papa Murphy's last night (hey, pizza is safe!) and Star 101.3, a local radio station was having a promotion for a large pepperoni pizza for $3.99. So I got that and the tub of cookie dough (which I eat half of before I even cook). I wander out to the table where they are promoting while waiting for my order.. and start talking to the promotions guy. They're having a drawing for the No Doubt tickets (of which I STILL can't find the tickets I spent over $150 on) :( and I tell the guy my sob story.. how I've had the tickets in my backpack for weeks.. and how they disappeared, etc etc. He feels bad for me and gives me a coupon for a free 1-topping pizza and a free tub of cookie dough. SCORE! Not as good as the No Doubt tickets.. but his kind gesture almost makes up for it. He also did his little shaman blessing on my entry for the drawing.

Anyhoo, so new guy came over.. we watched Training Day which was a crazy movie that is set in Los Angeles about corrupt narcotic officers. Afterwards we snuggled and talked quite a bit.. both of us unsure of what we want.. but happy with what we have at the moment. I think we'll just take things slow.. I make him happy.. he makes me happy.. I think that's what counts for now. Oh yeah.. and he adooooooores China. Very good sign considering the other dood didn't like animals (who doesn't like animals?? you have to be wierd not to like animals).

I had my first disappointment with the new guy last night.. he had planned to come over in the evening.. leaving SJ around 9:30.. and I never heard from him. I left a message at 8pm telling him to call me when he leaves.. give him a call at 10pm to see where he's at. Then at 11:30 I'm getting ready for bed (albieit in a bit of a worried mood) and I recieve a call from him. He mentions nothing of what happened and doesn't give an explanation until I bring up the subject. He knows I'm upset.

He plans to drive up tonight on his way to Washington (with a possible detour to Reno) and I'm unsure of how I feel about this. I mentioned to him that I have little to no trust in men right now.. and with last night, the little trust I did have in him is dwindling even in the confounds of a new relationship. I'm worried that he gives a lot of 'talk' and I am worried that I might be getting 'played'. I'll give him a chance to explain himself if he follows through with tonight.

I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now. If this one can work.. I will be incredibly happy and content.. but a lot of work will have to be made on both our parts for a solid foundation to be established.

What is Your Native American Totem?
brought to you by Quizilla

I met my new therapist on Friday. He seems very encouraging and I like his style of therapy so much more than the other woman I was seeing. He lets me laugh.. he doesn't belittle my time on the internet. He makes me realize what I've been through in life is NOT NORMAL. I've only been to one session.. but already I've discovered something about myself that has been very significant. I've felt like I've never been 100% accepted by anyone in my life that I've been really close to and have loved with every core of my being.

My father abadoned us when I was in high school. My mother always constantly wanting me to diet, never accepting me or being happy with the way I look. When I went to work in Yosemite, my first boyfriend never talked to me ever again - the last time we saw each other he saw I had gained weight and didn't want to be with me. Then Bob, he was never jealous and said I could sleep with other guys and I felt like I wasn't good enough to keep for himself.

Of course there are more to these stories.. but what I've written have been my perceptions of what has happened. That self-destructive thinking that has been stored in my mind throughout these years.

I still love my mom.. and of course my brother and sister.. we're so close and I'm so lucky to have them.

I met someone Thursday night. A light at the end of the tunnel. He came when I stopped looking.. I was tired of looking. Looking into his eyes I'm skeptical of what may happen.. but he seems to have a lot of faith and hope for both of us. I told him I didn't to have him think he has to save me. He told me he knows that I don't.. but he will save me if he has to.

Trust is something I don't have in a lot of people right now.

Today I was talking to my mom out on the trail. I was telling her about this new guy.. who told me after telling him my insecurities and issues I've been having that he loves my body and that it wouldn't matter the way I looked.. as long as I was content with myself. My mom told me, "That's good but that doesn't mean you can eat whatever you want". I can't believe she said that to me. I wanted to scream at her and tell her OF COURSE I KNOW THAT. That kind of thinking is exactly why I'm so fucking fucked up the way I am.. that's why I will never EVER be happy with the way I look. I know that more than anyone that I will always need to lose weight, that it'll be a constant struggle in my life that I will never be able to defeat. I lost my connection at that point and I couldn't do anything more than try and walk along with Isabella through tears streaming through my eyes. We stopped when I couldn't go on any longer and I hugged her, crying out on the trail. Thankfully there was no one out there.. the trails were pretty muddy and slippery.. so no one was around.

It hurts me even to remember her words and to be writing them down.

When I have children.. I will try and accept them no matter who they are.

An aol conversation I had with my mom (PearlDream777):

Pearldream777: what are you wearing?
Akasha1557: are you trying to hit on me?
Pearldream777: no i am just checking
Akasha1557: hahaha

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I'm loving you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

I'm taking today and tomorrow off.. personal time. I may go up to Calistoga tomorrow.. and today I'm going to lunch with Andrea, doing my laundry, and maybe heading to the library. Maybe. :)

I have an eating disorder that I'm seeing a therapist for. I realize what I do is not healthy.. but I feel like I have at least some control over my life when I do it.

My self-perception is very poor. I look in the mirror and I don't think I'll ever be happy with my body. I exercise 3 times a week doing some sort of cardio type exercise and the other 4 days I do 100-200 situps and lift weights. Even this is not enough which is why I do the things I do. I look at some of my friends are they are so charismatic... People are drawn to people like Isa and Andrea (Lizette and Mark, too) because they have genuinely good hearts.. I ask myself sometimes.. why am I not like that. I'm not good enough as a person to draw people like that. I try and be friendly and nice.. but maybe people see through that and see the real me. It makes me sad that I'm doing this to myself.. but I feel like I have no control.

I had a similar problem when I was in high school. At the time I was on a few popular weight loss plans and I was down to around 120 at my lowest point. Although this was a great weight for me, I felt desperate like I do now, because I felt like I couldn't maintain my weight. So I took diuretics and laxatives. I exercised compulsively. I would take an hour and a half of step or high impact aerobic classes.. then run on the treadmill for another 45 minutes. I'm not sure if Mom remembers this.. but I remember one time I had to call her from the gym because I kept blacking out, sweating and fainting over and over. I remember that bathroom floor where I lied down to wait for her.

I was okay for a few years. My weight ballooned up to 190 at its highest point. I was a total fucking blimp because I didn't care about myself. I went to a nutritionist and started losing weight under medical supervision.. but then he went out of business so I began doing it by myself. That, combined with the anxiety and pressures of dating and being independent has led me to where I am now. I've never liked to attract too much attention to myself.. I have avoided judgement under all circumstances. With dating... its all you.. you're being judged to see if you're compatible with another person.. and for the longest time I never bothered to see if that other person was compatible with me. I wanted to be wanted under any circumstance.. which is why I got close quickly.. misunderstanding physical closeness for emotional closeness.

I'm not feeling particularly upset or depressed in writing this.. but its just a different facet of my personality that I don't let people know about. I don't talk about it except rarely in passing. You probably wouldn't have any idea of what was going on if you talked with me. I hide it very very well because I don't want people to feel pity or to look down on me because of this.. This is my problem. I know I'll get better soon.. I just don't know when that will be.

My new favorite saying is.... "................. ... .. Just kidding. Or am I?" I will say this at least 4 times a day. Just kidding. Or am I..?

You have to read her diary. Read all of her entries. From day one to present. It's all true. You won't believe one person can go through so much pain and agony at such a young age. I think she's around my age now.. Read her journey through hell and wish that her experiences never happen to anyone you know.

Holy mother of all things holy.. I woke up this morning in paaaaiiiiinnnn... What the hell happened???

Yesterday I went for a looong trail ride. Then went to play tennis (I hadn't in about a year - my forehand sucked ass). This morning I woke up so incredibly sore I can hardly even move. ugggggh

/me needs to find a hottub, quick.

Soo.. i'm gonna ditch out for the second time on a date this afternoon, try and manage to get on my horse for a trail ride..and take China to Pt. Isabel.

HAve a good Sunday!

Last night was really fun.. I got to hang out with my bro (thanks Mark!).. and I had never seen anything like it before. Just crazy. I think the most amusing part was getting there in the first place. Several of my native SF friends told me that driving in wouldn't be too bad.. so I mistakenly heeded their advice. The first thing we did was get conned out of $10 to park in a private parking lot along with quite a few other cars. Several people got very very angry and began running after the bum who scammed us.. but whatever. I figured karma would catch up to the fucker one day. Mark and I got lost several times and spent a while trying to find parking.. but finally succeeded in the parking lot at 5th and Mission.

It amazed me how creative people were in finding their costumes. As Mark and I walked over to MUNI to head over to Castro, we got our first glimpse of all the costumes up close. One that stood out was this big huge penis with the gunk at the head and everything. He said his name was Richard and he lived up to his name, being obnoxious and loud.. it was funny. On the MUNI ride there was a Siegfried and Roy along with their rare white tiger, and at one of the stops, a very cute Indiana Jones gestured to me through the glass indicating that he liked my rack.. and that he would meet me later.. hahaha..

Mark got asked several times when he was going to be due. His belly got generally jostled and bumped around.. but one girl was kind enough to plant a kiss on his growing baby.. another predicated it would be a girl because he was "hanging low".

When we arrived, the crowd was absolutely PACKED. Bodies were pressed tight up against each other up and down Castro street, but as soon as the area would clear a little bit, we were able to look around and see what was going on. There was music of all sorts playing up and down the street.. and quite a few people in their second story windows giving "shows". A cute fairy boy dancing and posturing with his fairy wand (he stuck it in his ass at one point), women getting gropped by boys, and much to Mark's chagrin, two boys deeply kissing each other while a third gave one of the two a very involved BJ. Quite hot.

I got my tail pulled, Mark milked a guy's udder, a girl spanked me as I walked past, I got obviously groped by a guy ("oh sorry, excuse me, very sorry" yeah right).. a guy sitting up in a lightpost threw a firecracker up in the air.. which was pretty cool.. but then the firecracker flew down into the crowd. I suspect someone got injured because soon afterwards an ambulance parted the crowd towards that direction (which at the time was about 5 feet away from us). We saw another penguin (!!lizette!), a cool smurf group (Papa, Smurfette, Vanity, and Gargamel), some sexy hot bunnies and Snow Whites, Beeker from the Muppets, the Slim Jim guy, Aku from Streetfighter, lots of guys in drag including one really cool Thai costume, a guy in a shower, dirty laundry, that dood from Enron putting things through a paper shredder, lots of Japanese girls and guys, a dood doing an inflatable sheep, a cool looking Borg costume, Chewy and Princess Leia, and I'm sure I forgot a bunch more.. but Mark will probably write about it.

I'll post photos as soon as Mark downloads them from his camera. Unfortunately he ran out of batteries when we got there so all we have is us messing around getting ready at his place and a blurry picture of the fairy guy shaking his bare ass at the crowd. Good times.