My daily anti-work chat bud has this dood friend who writes about many things including Pork Brains (they're real, in a can!). Its pretty awesome.. go read.

Where are you.. time without you seems like an eternity. I've been trying to be patient. Even when my heart gets broken by those who I was eluded into thinking was you. I know you're there. Come find me soon.

Heee heee

I don't know wtf is going on with this site, but the background music is groovin'.

Sorry the following isn't a very cheery post.

Yes, I'm feeling a bit jaded and apprehensive about guys.

Same story. boy meets girl, boy convices girl he is different, girl gets close to boy, girl is way more into the relationship than the boy, girl tells boy they're to be friends, no sex, exit boy.

Lori tells her of fear of losing her weight, her weight being a protective covering to her emotions. In a way I feel now that the weight has been stripped of me (although I'm certainly not skinny), guys seem to be only interested in sleeping with me and nothing more. They don't seem to get past the fact that I'm female.. and I have more to offer than (insert vulgar statement here, hi mom).

I'm supposed to go out Friday evening and Sunday afternoon with two different guys. I really don't want to.. I want to stay in my hermit like homebody state and stay home, play videogames, read books, etcetc. They'll just do the same thing to me.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by lifes betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
Yes.

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book 'The Invitation'

My dearest friend, if you don't mind
I'd like to join you by your side
Where we can gaze into the stars
And sit together, now and forever
For it is plain as anyone can see
We were simply meant to be
-The Nightmare Before Christmas

Sorry I tricked you all with the pop-up mania in the previous link.. but I'm a blood-sucking slut.. so...

Here I'll make up for it.. funny.

As I drove down the road I saw a eery strange glow from behind the short white walls which surround the driveway up to my home. Strange, I thought.. it was around 8pm and I had just come back from riding Isabella.. I've never seen anything like that before. My eyes widened as the scene became more complete as I approached.. fire..

I quickly drove up the driveway, up the fork to my house. I parked quickly and said a little prayer thanking God that China was with me. Blinking a few times, I absorbed what I saw before me.. all the brush along the side of the driveway adjacent to our neighbor's house was ablaze in bright orange and yellow flames. Along the ground the flames came up to the height of my eyes and were slowly creeping up the dry trees to the electrical wires traversing above our neighborhood. I grabbed my phone and called 911.. on hold.. I saw that another car had seen the blaze as well and was parked across the road. Still on hold.. I ran down the street, trying to find the driveway to our next door neighbor. All I saw was the tall brown fence I was running alongside. I ran back to the driveway and heard the sirens just as the emergency operator picked up. I explained the situation, hung up, and ran back to the scene.

Movements in the flames.. I did a double take and saw a man in the midst of the heat, using a garden hose to try and extinguish the flames he could reach. The man in the car from across the street ran up next to me and we began yelling at the figure to come out. The fire department is coming, get out of there. He finally heeded our calls and ducked out through some of the few remaining pathways that wasn't ensconced in fire.

I was still in utter disbelief as the fire engines drove up, lights flashing in the pitch darkness with the sirens piercing through the night. I watched as they drove up our driveway and asessed the scene. In the glow of their headlights I stood as the firemen began hosing down the flames which quickly turned into glowing embers with water. The flames were gone in a few seconds.. but as they concentrated their efforts on one section of the fire, a dazzle of light caught my eye as a section of brush went ablaze once again and was quickly extinguished. Another engine pulled up and 3 other men with hoses began soaking the area to prevent further rekindling of the fire.

With my arms crossed in front of me, I huddled in my jacket, watching the events of the night. My eyes were burning from the smoke that filled the air and I could sense that my hair was capturing the smokey scent that was irritating my nose. I breathed.. and as I'm sitting here, my eyes still stinking from all the smoke, I thank God once again that China was with me.. for with all that I have in the house, she is most important to me. Nothing else would have mattered.

Right now I'm at work... and I needed something sweet so I mixed up sugar-free hot chocolate and hazel nut coffee cream. Well, I dumped way too much coffee cream in my cup but I figured, hey, the more the better, right? Well, this tastes like ass.

Ahhhh... so sore today. My hip flexors feel crunched from all the walking I did yesterday.

Friday night I went over to Andrea's place and hung out with 8 or so other girls.. she made this 'meal in a pumpkin' thing which you put hamburger, rice, and veggies into this pumpkin and bake it for an hour and a half. It was pretty darn good! I ate soo much that night.. the next day I pooed like 2 times really big and even stopped up the toilet which I've only done like 2 other times in my lifetime. Attractive huh? She made me this mai tai.. and as I was sipping it, the rum all floated to the top, making it QUITE alcoholic. Keep in mind I haven't drank any alcohol since my birthday which was half a glass of wine. My face got red.. and redder.. and redder.. until I thought I was going to explode. I just kept eating in hopes that I would calm down.. and eventually the redness subsided.. but it was kind of freaky. I don't think I'll be drinking for a while.

Next day I pooed a lot (see above), went for a quick ride on Isabella with Andrea.. and by that time I felt pretty awful.. being up until 2:30 the night before eating. I went to Pleasant Hill mall to buy a shirt for my Halloween outfit and got this quite black blouse.. very low cut in the front with long sleeves fitted to about my elbow then draping down for a medieval kind of effect. When I got home.. I was so tired from feeling so sick that I decided not to go to the Halloween party I was going to go to. Plus I had to get up the next morning early early.. but at least with Daylight Savings I was able to get an extra hour of sleep.

Sunday morning I got up at 5:45am still feeling swollen/bloated and sick.. and doooooood - I couldn't even poo! I guess my colon had emptied itself out the day before. So.. off with China to the Making Strides Breast Cancer walk. I met up with Isa and the walk was incredible. There were sooo many people out there supporting the cause.. the staff and volunteers were awesome. At each mile stop there were volunteers thanking us for participating and cheering us on. People would drive past in their cars honking and giving encouragement.. it was amazing to be a part of that.

The only downside to this weekend was last night.. I was supposed to go out with this guy who I was seeing "turned friend" on my decision. But he flaked on me again. 4th time in the past 2 weeks. =( *sigh* Guys suck. At least the ones I like do.

Click here.. this is awesome!! Sooo funny..

Asian girls eat lots of spam.. MMMMmmm.. I love spam. I'm going through spam withdrawl.

You know how when you see someone in a rut.. lets say.. in debt.. then they buy something expensive and you go, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?? Well, you can yell at me now.

I convinced MarkyMark to go down to Castro with me for the annual Halloween festivities on Thursday night. I tried on my costume and it looks soooo cute! I just need to buy a cute black top to go with my outfit. Mark's going to go as a 70s asian FOB. I've never been to Castro for Halloween although I've had opportunities to in the past.. and the one things I've missed from the different festivities I've attended in SF has been a digital camera! Soooo.. I went ahead and bought one.

Probably not the greatest financial move.. but I think it will make me happy.. so I decided to buy it. Shipping was kind of high.. $40 for 3 day UPS :( but oh well. The package with the 8M card, high speed USB cable, rechargeable batteries and charger, and *deluxe* camera bag was still way cheaper through this auction than any other place I researched (and any person who knows me knows I am the consumate bargain shopper).

It'll make you guys happy too... pictures to entertain ya'll with. yay!

This is so very.. I don't know how to describe it.

Wolfgang Puck's frozen pizzas are DA BOMB!! Go eat it. Now. They are deeeelish.. MMmmmmmmmmm. *drool* Tomorrow night Andrea's having a 'girl's night out'. Drinkin, eating, smoking..

I'm convinced now.. that I am messed up. I am abnormal.. I have issues.

Lets start with friends. I really don't have that many close friends.. sure, I have acquaintences and friends, per se.. but I don't have a girlfriend that I can call and say, "C'mon lets go see this movie tonight.." or "Lets go to this concert!" I think its because my interests are wierd. Video games, art and wine festivals, computers, reality TV shows, horses, and dogs. I mean, its hard to find someone with the same interests as me.. in the same point in their life as I am. Let alone a GIRL. My friends from high school betrayed me by going "aZiaN pRidE". So I don't trust new people very much.. I'm scared of them getting too close so I isolate myself. The easiest way to do this is on the computer.

I began chatting when I was 14 years old.. over 10 years ago. My counselor is biased and wants me to go out, meet people the old fashioned way. But this is what I'm used to... sadly enough. I've met *all* of my boyfriends through the internet. I wouldn't know how to begin to approach anyone in person.. and the people that have approached me to go out I've usually dismissed them because at the time I was seeing someone.. or most oftentimes it creeped me out.

Getting to know guys on a deeper emotional level scares me. I am always preoccupied in wondering what their intentions are. One of my most sensitive points is that I don't want to be percieved as a slut. A few people have joked around with me regarding being "looser" now that I'm in the dating scene.. and this is the quickest way to get me to shut a person off from my life. I'm not sure why it bothers me that much.. I'm still way less than 10. Maybe deep inside I think I am.. for rushing too quickly into the physical part of the relationship.. not saying no when I know that being physical will just mess things up in the future. Being physical with someone gives me a false sense of closeness and intimacy. It's a crutch for skipping the "get to know you" awkwardness which I hate so much.. it makes me so incredibly uncomfortable.

I guess that's why I'm more comfortable with meeting people online. It's easier, you don't have the awkward silences. You can ask point blank what people are looking for. It's always been my protective shelter.. from when my parents were getting divorced and that horrible time through high school where I felt so incredibly alone but felt I had to remain strong for my family.. and now again.. breaking up with Bob, living out on my own and being independent. These are scary things which I couldn't do alone. I've been provided a safe haven and security through being online.

The things people will do for Giants tickets.. teehee.

Can you tell its been a slow day at work? When the cat's away, the mice will play..

What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To? Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe): Tall, dark, and.... well you can't really tell what he looks like. Silent and deadly, skilled and sexy. Snake Eyes might seem intimidating, but he is the perfect gentleman. What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To?

Oh so true..





Which Sex and the City Vixen Best Matches Your Sex Style?

...

You Are a Cybernormal!

You know how to find all the online action.

But you only respond if you have a strong attraction.

You've got to step up, if you want to get down or dirty.

Or you might not get laid again - until you're 30!



Are *You* a Cyberslut?

WTF??

Your Ass is Gay!

I'm so happy to say.

That your ass is gay.

So come on over,

And I'll stick it today.



What Ass Do *You* Have??

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

No comment..


What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Rena, I hope you're doing okay.. take care of yourself girl..

August 1st.. I wrote about a boy.. he's back. It's funny how life works.. I think I'm a lot more mellowed out so hopefully I won't repeat the same mistakes I did. He says he's not scared anymore.

I'm thinking about joining a gym in Walnut Creek. Come winter, my stairclimber is going to get pretty fucking boring.. although it does give me time to watch some of my shows.. which when I'm in my room I'm usually too distracted. I constantly need to be doing something.. on the computer or whatnot.. so I miss a lot of the good ones like CSI and The Bachelor (WOOOO yay for reality TV)

This Sunday is my Breast Cancer walk! Should be interesting how it goes.. I'm going to a Halloween party the night before plus we set our clocks back, right? so... at least I'll be gaining an extra hour of sleep. I think. I got my costume last night.. I bought this looong plush tail, cute kitty ears, and a black set of wings. I have a silver collar which I've never worn.. I don't have any plans for Halloween though. Mark, ya wanna go to Castro or what, you gheylord focker???!?!!

More ninja vs pirate action!

There is this new guy at work that I've seen occassionally on campus. I am infatuated with him and am determined to talk to him. I was talking to D-roommate about him last night.. and about approaching guys in general. I have *never* ever approached a guy to talk with the intention of something romantic. So I had nowhere to start. D on the other hand has no qualms about approaching any guy on the street and talking to them. She's very confident and outgoing, quite opposite of me. Her theory is.. you approach 100 hot guys.. chances are 10 will go out with you. Out of those 10, maybe 1 will be the one you have an awesome incredible time with.

My problem is.. whenever I choose to like someone I seem to put my eggs in one basket.. it takes a while for me to become attracted to someone. This guy at work isn't necessarily HOT.. but he does have a cute boyish charm that makes me smile whenever I see him. Well, after all that talk last night with D on how to approach him and start talking to him, I saw him this morning. He was walking fastly with another older guy (his supervisor?) and I was walking in with a coworker when we passed. I had my shades on so I didn't make eye contact.. at first I didn't even recognize him because the previous times I'd seem him he was dressed in a nice dress shirt and tie.. and today he looked like he was a college student on his 5th hour of studying.. haha..

Well, I am determined. I will talk to him.

I have accumulated a few younger teenage boy friends from my Quake playing.. they're always amusing to talk to. We go into the advanced canasta rooms in yahoo games and get people mad at us by being obnoxious.. ahh..I'm so easily amused. Maybe this is why i don't have a boyfriend?

Anyways, one of the guys recorded his fart and you can download and listen to it here: ftp://ftp.honkykracka.com/upload/fart.zip

Tell me how it is because I don't want to listen to it.

I am convinced now.. there is no one out there my age that wants to be in a relationship aside from a "friends with benefits" type. Andrea says I need to look older.. like over 30.. but all of my ex-boyfriends have been older like that. I'd like to have a younger guy - but maybe it just won't happen because of the fact that younger guys just want SEX!!

I think this email I got today sums it up:

From: Looking for Love
Subject: HUGE COCKS AND THE GIRLS WHO LOVE THEM!!!

Another revelation. I don't care who you are or what you say, everyone plays games. Even if you don't know you're doing it out of inexperience or whatever, you play them. I think its impossible not to but IT SUCKS!!

Anyways, thanks for listening to me rant. :P

Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.

All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me,
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
Won't you deliver me.

I love this picture.. China is soo like me.

Mark is a dork.


But so am I.


Heee

I went to Everett Ridge Winery today for my company retreat. Contrary to what I thought, hanging out with my coworkers wasn't too bad. They had arranged a bunch of games for us to play - "team building" type that encouraged teamwork.. but my group sucked and couldn't get any of the puzzles. Damn them all, they wouldn't listen to me barking orders at them. haha, j/k.

I got to stomp on grapes.. it was fun and they felt like mushy eyeballs.

I got a smaller tongue ring - the 5/8" was irritating the area under my tongue.. so how I have a 14 guage 1/2" post in there.

Just had our office poll of Survivor.. my choice is Ken:


NYPD pretty boy, wish me luck!

Our house is full of spiders.. we're not talking cute little daddy long legs. I'm talking, HOLY SHIT IS THAT A BLACK WIDOW?? CRAP it's even bigger.. shhiiiiiiitttt.

Well, I have to admit. I'm a bit of a scaredy cat. Yes, I get scared at movies. I get scared at night when I'm by myself.. thank goodness for China and roommates or I'd be locked up in my room whenever it got dark.

To set this story up, I also have to admit that without my contacts I am quite blind. Everything beyond about 5 inches is a fuzzy blur unless I squint real hard and turn my head 37 degrees. Well, last night I'm getting in the shower and see a huuuuuuuuge brown thingy crawling around the tub. I get real close to it, confirm that it's a spider, and get the flat rubber pancake thing to wash it down the drain. Mission accomplished but as I'm doing it I'm saying to myself, "Self, that probably wasn't the best place to put it.. haven't you heard the song, 'Itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout'??" Ugh.

Sooooo.. long story short, I'm washing myself, as I'm doing so I glance down and FREAK OUT - I see this dark blur and I think eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk!!! it's the spider it's back and it's close to me!! But then I realized it was my right nipple.

Man, what's wrong with me. How embarrassing.

Confused, brain is racked.

I'm spending the day at home today.. last night I had all these dreams about missing work.. but I decided this is what I really need.. to take some time off and hug my dog. I spoke to the guy I had the dream about last night. He pretty much confirmed that he's busy in his life and wouldn't be able to devote time to a serious relationship (2 jobs, school, and now a possible record label deal). But he does seem very fond of me.

I've been asking myself though.. what do I need right now? He is ambivalent it seems about our relationship which upsets me.. but that forces everything to be taken slow. But then.. how long will it take? Will my emotions eventually be greater than his causing me to get my heart broken? I can see that happening.


I keep thinking to myself.. I don't know what I want.. but you know, I think I do. It just hasn't happened yet. I'm just not sure what to do in the meantime. Wait of course, be patient.. but what about this other guy? Would it be fair to one day say to him, "I know you've been on the sidelines and now I've met the one so I have to let you go." Eeech. Not really my style..

Hmm.. I'm wondering if I should sell my truck and trailer and buy one of these:



Following Lizette and Andy, I made up an amazon.com wishlist of my own. I've been feeling crappy and unmotivated at work.

I woke up this morning in a grumpy mood. Last night I had this dream that this guy I've been semi-seeing was so incredibly happy to see me.. we got out of our cars and he ran over to me and gave me a huge, unexpected hug. Very uncharacteristic of him because aside from a few passing comments he's made when I've pressed him, he has seemed ambivalent about seeing me. Last night I chatted with him briefly, asked him when he wanted to get together next, and he gave me 'no idea' and that was that. The dream made me cranky because GEEZUS I deserve to have a reception like that.. I would do the same for him but I'm getting nothing in return which is so incredibly frustrating.. and I wait.. and recieve nothing back in return. I wait on more than one occassion and get nothing. I'm getting really sick and tired of it.

I feel like this with a lot of the relationships in my life right now. That people are taking from me and I'm giving to them.. but I'm recieving nothing in return. To be honest, I really don't mind that if a friend is in need... I will give my everything to them. I give them their time to settle themselves, but right now I feel like I'm getting my emotions sucked out of me from so many different people and its taking its toll on me. My roommate, my coworker friends, guys. It's incredibly unfulfilling when you're used as a friend and really makes me want to hole myself up and be even more anti-social than I have been and just be a selfish recluse.

I can't spit loogies anymore now that I have my tongue ring! :(

This is so wrong.

Hmm.... I don't usually check my horoscope but today it said: "Voluntary exhile gives a good excuse for travel." Well, I've definitely done the voluntary exhile.. I haven't really been interested in meeting and dating the guys I've met so far.. so.. I have absolutely nothing planned for this weekend. I could possibly drive somewhere and spend the night if I wanted to.. but where can I go on a limited budget? And with Chinadog in tow?

The future is not looking good for my company. If our department doesn't find another company to partner up with soon, I may not have a job by the end of next year. I'm not too worried though.. I can't picture myself doing this for the rest of my life. I've always imagined myself going back to school and getting my master's in nursing. Specifically in the NICU - I would love to work with infants. I will probably move back home (ugh, LA) or wherever I can get cheeeap rent.. and work part-time while I go to school. It's so funny how nothing is set in stone anymore.. in high school and college I wanted to grow up so fast, get my position staked in life so I knew where I was going to be.. but life is so fleeting and morpheus. Anything can happen.. who knows, maybe I'll spend a month in Africa or Europe backpacking around.. or spend some time in Hawaii and get a job in the tourist industry. I just know I'm not settling yet.. definitely not where I am right now.

I was looking for Halloween costumes online and ran into this site. What is WRONG with these people??

Well. I wasn't totally perfect in the self-destructive thing.... but I think I'm much better than before.. that counts I think.

Last night I ran all the way up to the barn and back (after riding Isabella in between). It's cool to see my endurance building.. but running downhill (back home) is *definitely* easier than uphill. However, going towards the barn, China tends to pull a little more so that makes it easier also. Next time I drive to the barn I'll measure what the distance actually is. It takes me approximately 8-9 minutes one way so I think it's about a mile or less.

Oh man, you don't know how bored I was at work yesterday without internet. I think my productivity actually goes down because I'm wondering when internet will be back up again. I need to multi-task when doing work, take little breaks in between.. and without the internet I wasn't motivated to do anything. So I went through my email list and emailed all the people who I hadn't in a while..

Boring entry.. not sure what I'm doing this weekend.. although I promised China that I'd take her to Pt.Isabel. Anyone want to come along?

(I wrote this yesterday but internet was down at work)
I am sooo proud of myself. I've been feeling good so I haven't done any of the self-destructive stuff that I had been getting into these past few weeks. I'm not sure what the difference is.. just from last week I haven't felt the need to cause damage to myself.

I spoke to my mom last night.. she's very sad and depressed from Empty Nest Syndrome. My brother was the last one to enter college and he's been gone from her for 2 months now. I feel bad because I can't be there for her.. but I suggested that she needed something to take care of and keep her company. That's what she's been used to all her life and now, she's alone.. no children! She just bought a home also.. so that's keeping her nice and stressed out. My dad gave me some money this month to help me out with bills in stuff.. but when my mom sent me the check from the money deposited in her account, I tore it up.. I figured she needed it more than I did. Heck, holding a balance on my credit card isn't going to kill me. So Mom, I know you read this.. take the money and go spend a day at the spa.. do something for yourself! You raised 3 awesome successful kids, now it's time for you to take some time out for yourself!!!!!!! I love you mommmmeeeee. :)

Soo.. I've been trying to convince her to get a dog. Since she's allergic to most animals, I suggested a poodle since they hardly ever shed, they're very intelligent and easy to train, and she can carry it around like a little accessory like old ladies do. This will give her a purpose in life.. to bring it to the dog groomers every other week.. dress it up in little clothes.. and put ribbons in its hair. I think she'd enjoy it. Plus she walks a lot and it can keep her company and "protect" her as well as warn her of anyone coming up to her new house. Anyone know of reputable poodle breeder in southern California? I think a miniature sized one would suit her just fine!

Have you ever gone pee, then be sitting there for a while thinking.. then forget if you peed or not and have to look in the toilet if you did? I do it more often than you would think. Like just now.

Caffeine rocks!! It's my new drug. I'm taking this pill with caffeine in it around mid-afternoon so when I get home: 1. I don't fall asleep on the drive home (which was almost getting to be a big problem and 2. I'm hyped up to exercise/do whatever. Doesn't keep me up too badly either.. I fell asleep a-ok.

Last night I ran about 2 miles with China.. we got into this little jog groove and I ran the whole way - and today I'm not even sore.. I think this is a good sign. China's a bit annoying though.. she looks back at me constantly to make sure I'm there or something and when she sees a squirrel or something interesting to smell on the ground she'll stop, plant her feet.. therefore tearing my arm out of its socket. She's a strong dog.. I like running with Isabella more.

Ok.. I lied in my entry a few days ago. I'm playing Quake3 again.. last night I played for a few hours (3 hours! I didn't even notice the time until 12:30am). I had fun.. played with a friend (Hi Burn!!) - him and his fiance are having their wedding broadcasted online next year.. sounds very cool. I'm also warming up pretty well and getting my 1337 quake3 sKillZ back again..

Today.... long experiment day. It's not so bad because I run into the lab, do my thing.. then wait anywhere from 10-30 minutes in between.. but I get bored while waiting....anyhoo, that's my update CYAAAAAAAAAAAA

There is a little girl at the barn where I ride named Elizabeth. She is the daughter of the Mexican caretaker who lives at the ranch who is in charge of keeping the place clean, feeding the horses, etc. She's about 2 1/2 years old and a little spitfire! She's not afraid of anything.. including the horses.. and she cries and cries if she doesn't get her way.. but she is the sweetest little girl. Lately she's been quite attached to me, Isabella, and China. Whenever she sees me getting out of my truck she runs up to me and holds my hand, waiting for me to run my chores so she can help.

I've never been a big kid magnet.. so I'm pleased to see she's taken such a liking towards me.. I'm not sure what the difference is in me that she's so attached to me now. People out there call her my little shadow.. =)

Anyways, where am I getting at with all of this. Well, I'm not ready for a kid yet.. but my mind has changed from say.... a year ago when I couldn't even PICTURE myself being a mom. I'd love to hug or hold a little boy or girl in my arms. I can see it eventually happening now.. I can now see the joy that people feel from being a parent.

Hey I'm here writing in Mark's dorm room.. We're supposed to go to the Castro Street Fair today and when I arrived at his dorm at 11:20am he was asleep (no big suprise). He lives in the basement of this dormitory and his room smells like butt.

Pull my finger.

While he was in bed I went down his aol buddy list and warned all the people who were marked as 'away'. Now he's getting people warning him from time to time - he's up to 28%. The last person warned him anonymously.. so I'm not sure which of the 20 people it was that I warned. How clever!

Itchy Richie

Mark says one time he saw his roommate sleeping and his hand was all the way down his pants. (his roommate's, not Mark's)

Update: Mark is now up to 65%!

1.IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
in my pants.. or somewhere else with lots of land, amenities like high speed internet, and a large body of water.

2.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
my bras

3.FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
thighs or shoulders

4.WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
Nora Jones

5.WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
on my horse in the middle of nowhere

6.WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
in the ghetto with thugs chasing me

7.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
feet or shoulders

8.WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND, IN BODY OR IN SPIRIT?
mind

9.WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
6:55, snooze, snooze 7:13am

10.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
refrigerator (is that an appliance?)

11.WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
people that let opportunity pass them by

12.IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
bass guitar

13.FAVORITE COLOR?
green tea green

14.WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
SUV - sports cars can't pull trailers

15.DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
yes

16.FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Velveteen Rabbit

17.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Fall

18.WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
laundry :(

19.IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
teleportation

20.IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
dolphin whale looking thingy

21.CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Nope

22.THE ONE PERSON FROM THE PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO:
I'd rather not talk to anyone

23.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Saturday

24.WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
I don't have a trunk.. but in the bed of my trunk are: bungee cords and scented wood chips

25.WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
sushi

26. IF YOU COULD TIME TRAVEL, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
this is a stupid question

Sometimes I feel like what I want is normal.. how I feel is normal.. and it's just the whole world that is fucked up around me. Does that make me a narcissist?

Tonight is Friday night.. my roommate LIVES for Friday and Saturday nights.. but I'm not sure what the big deal is. Sure you can stay out late and sleep in.. but I don't drink, I don't do drugs (often).. so what are my plans? I'm going to walk China up to the barn, feed Isabella, come back and vaccuum my room, and maybe start playing FFX. Last night when I was doing other chores around the house.. I got the feeling that I was alone and I was ok. I remember the exact moment.. I was walking past the sinks to get a jacket out of my closet. I am alone. Of course, I do have my "wants" in my life.. but they aren't "needs". I'm going to be okay.

Would you...

..take me out to dinner occassionally
..come with me to horsey events knowing you'll get dirty
..tell me what you're thinking
..let me lavish my love on you
..hold my hand when I get frightened at scary movies
..let me lie close to you when I get cold at night
..watch chick flicks/reality TV with me and laugh at all the people who cry and take it too seriously
..tell me I'm yours.. and you are mine
..take care of me when I'm sick and let me take care of you when you're sick
..tolerate me when my "oldest child" comes out
..play with China
..call me just to say hi
..laugh at my dorky sense of humor
..look into my eyes, touch my hair, and tell me how much I mean to you
..let me tell you how important you are to me and not get scared
..love me

?

October is my favorite month... I can't quite put my finger on what it is exactly. I mean, I'm sad that the days are shortening now and I barely have time to get home, race to the barn and get in a decent ride on Isabella before it gets too dark. But.. there's something in the air.. excitement, the breath of something new.. that makes me giddy.

It's getting much colder these days. I have a sheet, 3 comforters, and a quilt covering me now at night which builds up a nice little heat trap for when I sleep.. however, this makes getting up in the morning very very difficult. I also shower at night and with the cold air, my hair doesn't even dry completely by the time my alarm wakes me. You'd think I'd get sick with cold hair.. but I haven't gotten sick in like 2 years.. WTF is up with that?? I want to stay home from work with a legitamite excuse, damnit.

Maybe the evenings in October remind me of Halloween.. or it could be playing outside in the cloudy overcast afternoons when I was a kid. Whatever it is.. I love this month. Good things are going to happen this month.. sheesh, with the way this year is going, it couldn't get any worse (knock on wood).

Todd: What the HECK are you thinking. There you made my page, happy now? Now quit that nonsense.

Isa and I are doing the 5 mile breast cancer walk at the end of this month. Anyone want to pledge money for me? $5 even helps.. I have almost $200 collected so far for the boob. You can make out checks to the American Cancer Society.. leave a comment or send me an email if you want to donate and I'll send you my address.

If you collect more than $100 you can get a "Making Strides for Breast Cancer" t-shirt. We called this morning to get our T-shirt size but unfortunately they don't have T-shirts in my size.. X-tra SEXY.

Peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwiches on honey wheat bread... from Cafe Intermetzzo.. is my favoritee food ever!!!!

Another random factoid: Days like today.. when it's really dry, windy and staticky, I have awesome hair days. :)

Ya know, as down as I'll get sometimes about certain things in my life, I feel truly blessed that there are friends and family that I can call any time to talk or to lend me support. If there is one thing that my life is not lacking, its a sense of belonging and love that I get from people that surround me. I accept my friends for who they are.. once you enter a certain relationship with me and reciprocate the respect a friendship can bring, I will be there for you without judgement until the end.

In a way, its a bit selfish as well - when I interact with the people I care about most, it gives me self-confidence.. that I'm worth knowing and being around. When I was with Bob, I subconsciously built up a shelter around myself which was difficult for outside people in my life to pass through. I didn't really have close girl friends that I interacted with or spent time with. Now that I'm alone, I'm finding more opportunities to get to know those around me that I didn't have time for before.. or didn't let through that shelter. My roommate, D, and I have been getting to be close confidants. I haven't had a close girl friend like that since college! It's been a few years and it's comforting to know that I can share facets of my life and exchange advice with each other. We're both around the same age and are in a time in our lives where we're growing.. growing.. growing.

I heard from quite a few people yesterday and it couldn't have happened at a better time. Miho, my best friend from high school e-mailed me yesterday.. My closest friend.. we've been friends for YEARS!! I can't believe it.. almost 15 years. I'm so bad at e-mailing her though.. there is so much I want to tell her that I don't know where to start. I also heard from a guy friend from Texas who I met through playing Quake.. We've been friends through our prospective break-ups with our significant others.. he's having a rough time as he just recently left his girlfriend. We shared some of our troubles.. and it made me feel good that he considered me close enough of a friend to call me when he wasn't feeling too good. Later that evening another friend I met through playing Quake called me and confided his love problems to me as well.

I also want to thank you guys out there for supporting me.. through e-mails or posts you've let me know that you're out there and waiting if I should need a little bit of a safety net should I begin to fall.. and that means more to me than you'll know. Man, this is sounding like an acceptance speach.. Well, I guess it is in some respect.. because I've been rewarded in life for knowing each and every one of you.