Alrighty then..

I'm feeling better. I'm sure you all are wondering with bated breath (ha!) what the heck is going on. Well, normal everyday routine is still the same. However, there are issues in my life that I recognized I needed professional help. The financial and self problems I've been having could easily drive me into a deep fit of depression.. but as with everything, I let them lie dormant and trudge on, trying my best to alleviate them.

With my break up this year, the financial aspect was the worst part of it all. As of today, I am $5000 in the hole through no effort of my own. I lost about $2000 in this nutritionist that went bankrupt (which I am crossing my fingers to recover sometime.. but probably not until next year) plus I had about $3000 invested in a money market through Cal Fed which they claim they no longer have a record of. Add that to rent, horse, food, dog, and personal items.. and I'm going to carry my first balance on my credit card. I canceled the card because my interest rate on that sucker was around 15.7%.. and tried to apply for a lower interest rate card. But with so much debt in my name(the house loan, the car loan, school loans), for the first time in my life I've been denied credit. Well, let me rephrase that.. I've been denied credit for lower interest cards. grrr. I can only get cards with high interest like the one I just canceled. So this is a small source of stress. You would *think* with how much money I earn from my job (and I earn quite a bit for a B.S. graduate 3 years out of school!!) I wouldn't have problems here.. but I'm budgeting and trying to manage my money better.

Personally.. I think things in my life have been settling down a bit. I have a lot of self-image problems. I do things sometimes that are harmful to my body, but recently I've been getting much better. I make a point to exercise everyday but I eat like shit sometimes.

I've been quietly seeing this guy. I adore his view of life, his humor, his eyes, and the way he kisses my head and reaches to hold my hand. However, communication is a problem.. part of me wishes he'd call me or email me more.. but in a way.. I'm glad that our relationship is progressing slowly. I'm 4 years older than him which makes me worry a bit.. he attends school and works erratic hours which makes it difficult to have set plans to see each other. However, when we're together.. we get along very well. He is unique from the other guys I'd been dating in that he really has no expectations of where we're to go. He's seen many things in his life and he seems to think the world of me.

Yesterday I attended the Folsom Street Fair. For those of you unfamiliar.. visit the link. It's basically a BDSM fair open to all sexual preferences. I was supposed to go with Mark but when I arrived in his dorm room at 2pm in the afternoon, I found him and his roommate still sleeping.. mmmkay. So I could've just gone home and spent the day doing nothing.. but I decided to be adventurous and go by myself. Oh.. the sights I saw! Oh to be a gay man in SF. There were soooo many hot yummy gay guys.. I got my cheap little thrills brushing against them in the crowded aisleways. I felt like I was in high school again.. hehe! There were quite a few transvestites (I did not see *one* attractive TV) and people in "fetish" gear. I saw for the first time an asian guy who I would have no hesitation licking from head to toe. He looked to be Japanese and was doing a whip demonstration. He was basically wearing a thick thong and nothing else. His body was beautifully tanned and muscular with defined pecs and stomach muscles. But what got me was his thighs (possibly my *favorite* part of a guy's body). They were lean.. yet thick with bulging muscles. Kind of like Chun Li's from Streetfighter.

Anyway, I've decided to quit playing Quake3 excessive. You have no idea how much drama there is that comes with playing a silly game. After 2 months without having access (no DSL or cable) I've found that I don't miss it much. Plus I've developed quite a few people who don't like me.. which doesn't bother me much.. but then there are a few people that I've gotten to know who I liked who decided I don't matter much either.. oh well, it's just a game and it was fun while it lasted.

Hey everyone,

My site isn't down.. I just stopped posting for a while. I'm kind of taking a break from everything and waiting for certain situations in my life to settle down. There are some pretty serious issues that I've been having to deal with that I haven't told anybody. I'm not sure I even want to write these in my journal, but just know that I'm getting help for it. I'll be writing again soon.. I miss sharing all the wacky wierd things I experience/find in life as well as the sucky parts. Until then..

p.s. I noticed that some of you have been entertaining yourselves with my drawing board.. and I have you say.. you guys are fucking wierd. Nice artistic talent though! (to see these go to 'Draw Stuff' and press the 'Load' button)

God I need a break from this.. from everything.

May the whole world know I'm a horrible fucking fuck up that needs to be fucked in the head with a chainsaw repeatedly over and over until I come to my senses and realize what's good in my life and not ruin it.

There are no words to describe the way I feel right now. I live my life with the motto of no regrets.. and this is the first time I've ever felt like I did something that I would do anything to take back. I've never hurt anyone purposefully before without good intention (if that makes sense) and I feel like I've hit the lowest point in my life by doing so.

I betrayed someone who I felt strongly for.. and his trust.. I don't know if I'll ever earn that back. (please refer back to the first sentence of this entry here) Wow, I'm a loser. I felt like I was getting close to someone.. and I got scared.

And now.. he deserves to be angry and pissed at me.. he has every right to say, you lied to me, the first cardinal sin of developing a relationship.. especially one with so many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being distance.. but he tells me he isn't. He still wants what is good for me and what makes me happy. But he is hurt. And the hurt he's feeling right now I feel it 10 fold in my heart.

Note to self: Eating Trader Joe's Low Fat Kitty Cookies (for humans) with Trader Joe's creamy peanut butter no longer constitutes it as 'low fat'.

Naptime.. *yawn*

-edit- Why do I do this to myself? -edit-

I go through at least around 2 of these types of chats each day. They highly amuse me.. and I wonder if there are really *that* many stupid guys out there in the world.

mark_power_1999: hi do you want..
jsrha: you? probably not..
mark_power_1999: why not?
jsrha: Not into hooking up sorry
mark_power_1999: just for fun
jsrha: which part of 'not into hooking up' don't you get
mark_power_1999: or only for tonight
jsrha: jsrha: which part of 'not into hooking up' don't you get
mark_power_1999: lol
mark_power_1999: so you want 3some
jsrha: go away
mark_power_1999: you never did
mark_power_1999: hooo
jsrha: wtf
mark_power_1999: I like t f u
jsrha: I'm 4'11" and 500 pounds and i have an acne problem
mark_power_1999: really?
mark_power_1999: wow
jsrha: y
mark_power_1999: whats about your ass.
mark_power_1999: can I f from behind
mark_power_1999: have you ever did
jsrha: I have pimples all over my ass and a flatulence problem
mark_power_1999: (insert devil face)
jsrha: (insert raised eyebrow face)
mark_power_1999: (insert winky face)
jsrha: goood luck on your booty search
mark_power_1999: (insert razz face)
mark_power_1999: do you like sucking...
jsrha: not you
-End conversation-

Which Animaniacs Character are You?

You're cute! And, when you're not, it's not pretty. Sure, you like girly stuff,
like pink frilly outfits, flowers, adorable baby animals, tiny boxes that you can't fit
anything in, and tiny doll-sized clothing, but you're also quite the firebrand! People
who scorn you, and just plain stupid people who get in your way, often pay dearly. You
are nearly as likely to jump up and kiss someone as to drop an anvil on someone's head! You
are not the sort to be trifled with. You are, after all, Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa
Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca, the Third.

Click here to see my Livejournal.

Last night I spent my first night in my new big huge improved room. It was lovely! Mark spend the night on the floor (and China promptly took over the mat he slept on, forgoing the $40 doggy bed I bought her) and this morning we were planning on waking up nice and early (he had to study for a class and I had a 9 o'clock meeting). Unfortunately we didn't wake up until 8 - and probably would've slept in longer if it weren't for China getting excited that it was morning.. DOH!!

Anyways, despite me being a tard and not setting my alarm, I looooooove my new room. Only thing that is kind of wierd was that I woke up last night with a bloody nose. It's really dry in the room and with my air purifier going, it didn't help.

Psycho Seanna is gone.. she moved all of her stuff out of the house yesterday. Tonight and this weekend Deb and I will be interviewing people that want to live there.

Moving into this big room is kind of like being a character in the Sims.. seriously. My happiness rating went waaaay up once everything was in its place. This weekend I'll be hanging up all my grandmother's painting and assorted prints I've collected throughout the years and my happiness rating will be overflowing! Yeeeeeeeee haww. :)

Alright I know this is totally and completely off-kilter from my previous entry.. but I had to mention..

They're opening a Krispy Kreme in Concord! That's like.. 15 minutes from where I live.. the nearest one after this is over an hour away. Soo... I guess Krispy Kremes are going to become a diet staple starting in 13 days from when they open..

Ohhh.. yummyyyyy.. man my mouth is drooling and I want to do the happy dance just thinking about how good it would be to eat one right now..

Today is September 11th. I've had my journal for over a year and I remember, and I will never forget.

Today, the radio, the televisions, and even the highways are covered with remembrances of what happened today one year ago. It's too much for me to stand. Allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to grieve. Everytime I allow myself to think about what happened in New York that day, my heart feels like its going to be wrenched out of my body. I didn't know anyone of the 3000+ people that died that day.. but it sorrows me to the core of my soul to know that they were killed in the ruthless way possible. Innocent people who were going to work to help support their families and make something of themselves in this world were taken from us.

Even now when I'm writing this, I have to allow myself to remain emotionally detached, giving you only a fragment of the way I feel because if I allowed you to know how tormented and angry and sad I was right now, I'd probably break down.

It seems so strange that a tragedy like this that happened all the way across the country can affect me, a girl on the other side.. who knew no one. But it invokes so many different emotions from me.. and writing how I feel is therapeutic for someone with a detached personality when it comes to any sort of strong negative emotion.

I was going to add here how much I abhor Osama bin Laden and the terrorists that were responsible for this.. but there is no purpose or anything constructive in that.

Anyways, that's it.. no rants or raves, just reflections from a California gal watching the world with her hands over her face.

Nevermind, my tongue is white because I was eating yoghurt covered pretzels. DOH.

What does it mean when the color of the back of your tongue is white? Do I have to start scraping it or what?

He loves my laugh..

Hehe.. I'm smiling today.. I'm very happy, glowing even. Pirates rock. ;)

This weekend was unexciting..

Friday night, I got stood up for the first time! Young SF boy decided not to come over.. so I just got stoned with the roommie. I had a feeling that he might not come.. the night before he was saying how nice and sweet I was.. that he wasn't ready for a relationship blahblahblah.. whatever. I was a little bummed, but not really since I went ahead and hooked up with another guy on Saturday night.

He was sweet, a 21 year old boy I had been chatting to off and on. He was fun to hang around.. but definitely an ultra-flirt with all the girls.

And the sex.. it was okay. Ohh.. I would so like to go into sordid detail here, but since Mom reads it I won't. Well, actually that shouldn't stop me either, but kissing and telling to the masses would be kind of rude. ;)

Yesterday I felt kind of lonely and bummed though after all was said and done. I'm not sure these one-nighters are right for me. I did have one a few months ago.. but for some reason it wasn't so bad. I think because I didn't know the person as well and it was very very clear what we were going to meet for. That boy was friggin hot too.. 26 year old, delish body, and a *very* nice package. So.. my magic number is 7. Woohooooo... ! I seem to attract the wrong kind of boys... I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong here.

I'm moving into the bigger bedroom in the house this week.. it's a huge room, about twice the size of the room I'm in now, it has its own bathroom and a sliding glass door to the backyard. Nice!!

Wow, despite all the drama at the house, I have nothing much to report. I might hang out with this SF guy tonight.. the young musician.. but I'm not sure. He's a little freaked of me because he thinks I'm all innocent and nice and sweet.. and he doesn't want to lead me on.. whatever.. wait till he finds out the real wicked me.. muhahaha.

Tomorrow night I'll be hanging out at Andrea's place with Sharon.. I don't know what we're going to do but it's gonna be girly!! (and not lesbian)

Not much to say today.. read this exchange of emails with psycho roommate:

Seanna:

I thought we were friends and that when we talked it was in confidence. I
would never have (and still wouldn't) tell any of the things that you said
when we were venting about the things that upset us. I am surprised you did
that.

I guess I have no choices now. I did plan to make things work and to forget
all the bad stuff that had happened, even the dent in my car that "nobody"
seems to have done. And just go on because I could not afford to move. I
even tried to work on the house to make it nicer for everyone.

Now... I guess because of some upset homesick venting to someone that I
thought was my friend I am going to be homeless. Chris wrote me this long
letter and it makes me sound like some kind of monster and it sounds like he
thinks that I would do terrible things to you guys or to the house or
something. That is terrible. I would never do anything to anyone or
anyone's things. It made me cry to think that he or anyone would think that
terribly of me...

I am not sure what all you said to him but now he thinks I am the worlds
most terrible person...I guess I should have never talked to you and trusted
you with my upset feelings, they were mostly just vents and I guess I just
needed someone to talk to about the things that were upsetting me... Didn't
mean that I think or thought that Chris was horrible. I just wanted the
house to be taken better care of and my stuff to quit coming up missing.

Now for that; I am kicked out of my home, you have a place to go... I don't
know if I do...
I thought you were my friend.... Whatever I did to you to deserve this, I'm
sorry because I would never mean to do anything bad enough to you (or
anyone)to deserve something this bad to happen to me...
So whatever I did to you that was so terrible I'm really, really sorry...

Me:

Seanna

I don't know what to say. I was prepared to forget everything as well and just leave the house and everything behind me but when Chris approached me and we talked, he wanted to know *all* the reasons why I made my decision to leave and that included differences I had with you. I felt like I was lied to and used whether you knew it or not.. as soon as I came in that one day where you had the tiff with Deb, you were extremely friendly to me, more so than that first day where I introduced myself and you were offended that I wasn't a guy like you expected.

Some of the things you've done I've found to be just... confusing. I don't know what to believe anymore.. for example, when my brother and I were in my room that one night and you came in accusing me of using your phone line. Why would I do that when I had my own? Whoever switched the phone line, I don't know.. but it was a mistake and it could've been just let go, but you continued to go on and on about it, practically yelling at me in front of my family and you WOULD NOT let the issue go.

Your conditioner wasn't stolen by Chris like you told me. I was sitting on the toilet when I had run out of toilet paper and opened up your drawer to see if I could get any nearby without having to stand up.. and saw that it was right there.. under your sink.

I don't know what's going on.. if you're lying to me intentionally to want to leave like you wanted Deb to leave or if you're really that absent-minded. I don't know what to think.. but I'm willing as always, to live the next month in peace.

I would suggest that we leave things be for now. I don't want to obsess about this issue and stress out myself at work (I already have enough stress as it is). If you have more issues.. please talk about them with Chris.. I don't want to be involved in this anymore.

And Seanna again, last email:

I thought your brother was sweet and you both laughed at me when I thought
the ice cream that you gave me was yucky... I didn't know that I was awful
to you and I would never yell at you or mean to embarrass you.
I am sorry and I will not bother you anymore...
I sincerely did not mean to be so awful... I have never had anyone think so
badly of me before...
My family and friends don't understand why we are all having so many
problems, everyone usually likes me allot.
again I am sorry, very, very, sorry.
Sea

PSYCHOTIC SCARY WOMAN!!!!!!!!!
!!!

Wow, drama last night in our household. Basically what it comes down to is that I'm not moving.

Last night Cboy (we'll call him that for now) and Dgirl (the asian roomie) sat me down for a chat.. basically asking me all the reasons why I decided to move out. I told them everything.. everything that was bothering me about the house and Seanna telling me about Cboy being a drug dealer and all the stories she was telling me about him. It turns out that she told me a few pretty big whoppers!! .. including the drug dealing thing. Well, we sat and talked for about 2 hours.. I told them that I felt I was being manipulated by her from the very beginning (her trying to get me to side with her in the argument the first day she had with Dgirl).. and that I've caught her very specifically in her telling lies to me. Dgirl told me she ran a police report and a credit check on Cboy before she moved in for her own knowledge before she moved in and they all came out clear on him which was very reassuring.

So.. I missed working out (grrrrrrrrrrrr...) and also missed the American Idol finale (DOUBLE grrrrrrrrrrrr..)

So, long story short, all of us went to Seanna and confronted her on all of these issues and lies she'd been telling and she was given 30 days notice last night. When she leaves, I'll get her bigger room for the same price.. and Cboy tells me that the landscaping WILL improve.. its just that he's been busy with getting back to work in stuff again. Now the only thing I'm worried about is the cleanliness of the common areas like the backyard and the kitchen.. so I'm going to have to talk to him about that.

I stopped payment on the deposit check I gave the lady on Monday and I left her a long message telling her how sorry I was to back out (I feel really bad about that.. ). I really don't want to move again though.. and if I could even just move into a bigger room where I won't feel so cramped I'll be soooo much happier. I mean, in my current room there is literally one step to the TV, one to the stairclimber, one to the bed, one to the computer. It's teeeny!!!

I'm a little worried now because of the backlash Seanna might hand over to me since I was the one that was talking to her most. Although we were on friendly terms, she had her little passive aggressiveness which I didn't appreciate. I mean, I'm very laid back and non-confrontational when it comes to my relationships with other people.. but if I feel I'm being fucked over, BELIEVE ME I am not going to stand by and take it. Mark was there one night when somehow my telephone cord was switched into her phone line instead of mine (and it was plugged into mine the night before which I don't get). This is one of MANY mysteries in the house that can't be solved. So I log into the computer and she comes in and starts accusing me of interrupting her phone call with her nasty boyfriend and using her phone line which was "unacceptable". I'm sitting there.. watching her.. wondering what kind of fucked up logic is that.. why in the world would I use her phone line if I had my own? I don't know who came into my room and switched the phone lines, but it sure as hell wasn't me. She had indicated to me that she wanted to use my computer to check her email in stuff so I have a suspicion that she came in and tried to do it.. the phone was hooked up and you have to plug in the cord to the modem.. she probably couldn't get it to work so she switched around the phone lines.

Anyhow, she started going off on this rant (in front of MARK~!!!) and I remained civil for a while.. but after a while she started pissing me off really bad so very tactfully I told her to fuck off, I didn't mess with that shit on purpose (why would I??) and go away.

No one messes with your big sister, Mark!!!

This is... wierd. Those crazy Koreans.

Looking for an activity partner in SF that makes you look good? So is this guy. I think its funny that he's "willing to travel".

Yesterday I went to Pt. Isabel with China.. got some pretty good exercise in although I forgot to put sunscreen on my chest so its a little blotchy and itchy right now.. :(

Hmm.. this quiz is pretty good. I think it fit Lizette pretty well in her "shepherd" analysis.. and as for me..
Your distinct personality, The Black Knight, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Your overriding goal is to win. You approach each task or situation as a contest to be won strategically and efficiently. Because you can control your feelings, it is not unusual for you to charm, as well as successfully delegate tasks and responsibilities to the more emotional types. You are often concerned with what's in it for you. You seldom involve yourself in activities where you can not foresee a reward for your investment or effort. On the positive side, you can be analytically empathic and logically persuasive. On the negative side, you may be unemotionally manipulative as well as arrogant, selfish and impulsive. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

So this weekend.. I ate.. a lot. I hope its because I'm getting my period.. but I exercised everyday to try and make up for it. Whenever I get together with the guy that pierced his eyebrow (see previous entry) we eat waaaaay too much together.

Oh!! Good news.. I found a place to move again at the end of the month. This place is on the Walnut Creek/Lafayette border (about 15 minutes away from the current place I'm at) and closer to work. I'll be living with this high school teacher/grad student and her 16 year old computer geek son. They have a cute little home with a little yappy poodle and China will have a big yard to herself while I'm gone for the day. I'm a little worried she'll get bored during the day.. so I need ideas for toys to keep her busy. Anyways, I'll be paying less than what I'm paying now and I'll get two rooms to myself!! Plus the best part.. I'll finally have DSL again. So with 2 months of no quake, I'll be playing again soon.. yay!

I gave my notice at the current place I'm in.. I'm hoping I don't get any sort of retaliation from the guy since he's been known to steal stuff.. exactly the reason why I'm leaving. That, and Seanna, the other girl roommate is raking on my nerves. I thought she was nice, but she's really a manipulative bitch. I'm going to be so glad when I'm out of there.. muhahaha.

Cool eh? (it isn't me)



I went back to the place I got my tongue pierced today to see if I could get my post downsized.. I was quite amused to hear, several times from several employees, "Oh wow, your tongue's still swollen.. how long has it been?? A week? Are you sure you're rinsing and taking care of it??"

Uhhh.. yeah. So I checked the mouth wash I've been rinsing with and it contains alcohol. You're not supposed to rinse with alcohol.. :( So I picked up a tube of glyoxyl and I'm going to rinse religiously with salt water from now on. Sooo.. unfortunately I wasn't able to get a smaller tongue ring but someone else got a nice eybrow piercing..

Went into SF today and played around the city.. went to the Metreon and saw Austin Powers (which was not as good as the previous ones, but still pretty funny). Tomorrow I'm looking at a room available.. looks pretty promising so keep your fingers crossed for me!