Yuck, what awful heat we've been having lately. This past weekend I went for a long ride on Saturday around Lake Chabot - about 15 miles or so (I got a little lost, it may have been longer). Temperatures were in the upper 90s, and I drank pretty much all the liquid I had on hand with me. Towards the end of the ride I was getting headaches (not good) and I kept having to stop in the shade to try and cool off. Isabella fared much better, she was happy to snort at horse-eating objects and spook happily throughout the ride.

Although it sucked, I'm glad I did it - this coming weekend is the Silver Spurs NATRC ride and I wanted to reassure myself Isabella was up for the heat and the distance. We'll be going a few miles further, but with more water available and many more breaks and vet holds throughout the day, it should be easier. I'll be going solo and I've decided to leave China at home (thanks Mark and Laquel for offering to look after her!).

The rest of this weekend was spent trying to avoid the heat as much as possible. Matt and I went to Southland Mall on Sunday - we played Skeeball and Stomp the Gophers in the arcade room. We won enough tickets for a little happy face magnet and 2 tootsie rolls (woohoo!) Oh yeah, I also won $10 in the lotto, yababy.

Personal Introspection Time:
I recently read an article that had to do with abandonment issues. Childhood memories of abandonment are often blocked out, "the feelings which are stimulated in these childhood situations are often simply too painful to be experienced (felt) and integrated (understood) at the time. Nonetheless, they are a part of the person's experience, and cannot be dismissed. They must, eventually be experienced and integrated." I think this is the reason why I remember little to nothing of my early childhood memories, and even memories up to my teen years. My earlier relationship with Bob was "safe" in that I was younger, less mature, less experienced. These memories, although present, were not ready to resurface. In my relationship last year which lasted a few months, I began exhibiting signs of these emotions which began to stir and rear their ugly heads. I smothered my affections and clung onto a projection of my dad who was to be my caretaker and nuturer. Even when things weren't going well, I couldn't let go in fear I'd be left alone, and when the relationship finally did resolve, I was devastated. Not for the relationship on itself, but rather, feelings of defeat and guilt for losing "him" again.

I see these emotions manifest in several ways. I become unnecessarily harsh towards other people to push them away, to give them an excuse to leave. I am also very self-defeating when people leave, even when it has nothing to do with me personally. This in turn leaves the other person feeling guilty, which makes me feel worse. It's a non-ending cycle of self-destruction.

When I am alone, I can get along fairly well. These feelings are kept at bay because it is easy to supress emotions when my life is pretty much stable. However, when a trickle of passion of any kind is released: love, happiness, anger, guilt, sorrow, a myriad of unaddressed issues are released as well, and without the arsenal of being able to cope, I find myself on the cusp of two paths. Either a path to let go and face these inner obstacles God placed before me and to come out a stronger person, or to a familiar place I was 2 years ago when I felt I was falling down into a well of nothingness with arms reaching out to help me, but only wanting to fall deeper into the darkness.

I'm afraid I'm doing that again. This time around I have devotion, love, and understanding to the scope that sometimes I don't even comprehend to help me get over this. I need to get over this.. I'm seeking help to hopefully finally deal.

Crazy, yes.