Inside her mind..
Saturday, November 09, 2002
I met my new therapist on Friday. He seems very encouraging and I like his style of therapy so much more than the other woman I was seeing. He lets me laugh.. he doesn't belittle my time on the internet. He makes me realize what I've been through in life is NOT NORMAL. I've only been to one session.. but already I've discovered something about myself that has been very significant. I've felt like I've never been 100% accepted by anyone in my life that I've been really close to and have loved with every core of my being.
My father abadoned us when I was in high school. My mother always constantly wanting me to diet, never accepting me or being happy with the way I look. When I went to work in Yosemite, my first boyfriend never talked to me ever again - the last time we saw each other he saw I had gained weight and didn't want to be with me. Then Bob, he was never jealous and said I could sleep with other guys and I felt like I wasn't good enough to keep for himself.
Of course there are more to these stories.. but what I've written have been my perceptions of what has happened. That self-destructive thinking that has been stored in my mind throughout these years.
I still love my mom.. and of course my brother and sister.. we're so close and I'm so lucky to have them.
I met someone Thursday night. A light at the end of the tunnel. He came when I stopped looking.. I was tired of looking. Looking into his eyes I'm skeptical of what may happen.. but he seems to have a lot of faith and hope for both of us. I told him I didn't to have him think he has to save me. He told me he knows that I don't.. but he will save me if he has to.
Trust is something I don't have in a lot of people right now.
Today I was talking to my mom out on the trail. I was telling her about this new guy.. who told me after telling him my insecurities and issues I've been having that he loves my body and that it wouldn't matter the way I looked.. as long as I was content with myself. My mom told me, "That's good but that doesn't mean you can eat whatever you want". I can't believe she said that to me. I wanted to scream at her and tell her OF COURSE I KNOW THAT. That kind of thinking is exactly why I'm so fucking fucked up the way I am.. that's why I will never EVER be happy with the way I look. I know that more than anyone that I will always need to lose weight, that it'll be a constant struggle in my life that I will never be able to defeat. I lost my connection at that point and I couldn't do anything more than try and walk along with Isabella through tears streaming through my eyes. We stopped when I couldn't go on any longer and I hugged her, crying out on the trail. Thankfully there was no one out there.. the trails were pretty muddy and slippery.. so no one was around.
It hurts me even to remember her words and to be writing them down.
When I have children.. I will try and accept them no matter who they are.
My father abadoned us when I was in high school. My mother always constantly wanting me to diet, never accepting me or being happy with the way I look. When I went to work in Yosemite, my first boyfriend never talked to me ever again - the last time we saw each other he saw I had gained weight and didn't want to be with me. Then Bob, he was never jealous and said I could sleep with other guys and I felt like I wasn't good enough to keep for himself.
Of course there are more to these stories.. but what I've written have been my perceptions of what has happened. That self-destructive thinking that has been stored in my mind throughout these years.
I still love my mom.. and of course my brother and sister.. we're so close and I'm so lucky to have them.
I met someone Thursday night. A light at the end of the tunnel. He came when I stopped looking.. I was tired of looking. Looking into his eyes I'm skeptical of what may happen.. but he seems to have a lot of faith and hope for both of us. I told him I didn't to have him think he has to save me. He told me he knows that I don't.. but he will save me if he has to.
Trust is something I don't have in a lot of people right now.
Today I was talking to my mom out on the trail. I was telling her about this new guy.. who told me after telling him my insecurities and issues I've been having that he loves my body and that it wouldn't matter the way I looked.. as long as I was content with myself. My mom told me, "That's good but that doesn't mean you can eat whatever you want". I can't believe she said that to me. I wanted to scream at her and tell her OF COURSE I KNOW THAT. That kind of thinking is exactly why I'm so fucking fucked up the way I am.. that's why I will never EVER be happy with the way I look. I know that more than anyone that I will always need to lose weight, that it'll be a constant struggle in my life that I will never be able to defeat. I lost my connection at that point and I couldn't do anything more than try and walk along with Isabella through tears streaming through my eyes. We stopped when I couldn't go on any longer and I hugged her, crying out on the trail. Thankfully there was no one out there.. the trails were pretty muddy and slippery.. so no one was around.
It hurts me even to remember her words and to be writing them down.
When I have children.. I will try and accept them no matter who they are.
