I have an eating disorder that I'm seeing a therapist for. I realize what I do is not healthy.. but I feel like I have at least some control over my life when I do it.

My self-perception is very poor. I look in the mirror and I don't think I'll ever be happy with my body. I exercise 3 times a week doing some sort of cardio type exercise and the other 4 days I do 100-200 situps and lift weights. Even this is not enough which is why I do the things I do. I look at some of my friends are they are so charismatic... People are drawn to people like Isa and Andrea (Lizette and Mark, too) because they have genuinely good hearts.. I ask myself sometimes.. why am I not like that. I'm not good enough as a person to draw people like that. I try and be friendly and nice.. but maybe people see through that and see the real me. It makes me sad that I'm doing this to myself.. but I feel like I have no control.

I had a similar problem when I was in high school. At the time I was on a few popular weight loss plans and I was down to around 120 at my lowest point. Although this was a great weight for me, I felt desperate like I do now, because I felt like I couldn't maintain my weight. So I took diuretics and laxatives. I exercised compulsively. I would take an hour and a half of step or high impact aerobic classes.. then run on the treadmill for another 45 minutes. I'm not sure if Mom remembers this.. but I remember one time I had to call her from the gym because I kept blacking out, sweating and fainting over and over. I remember that bathroom floor where I lied down to wait for her.

I was okay for a few years. My weight ballooned up to 190 at its highest point. I was a total fucking blimp because I didn't care about myself. I went to a nutritionist and started losing weight under medical supervision.. but then he went out of business so I began doing it by myself. That, combined with the anxiety and pressures of dating and being independent has led me to where I am now. I've never liked to attract too much attention to myself.. I have avoided judgement under all circumstances. With dating... its all you.. you're being judged to see if you're compatible with another person.. and for the longest time I never bothered to see if that other person was compatible with me. I wanted to be wanted under any circumstance.. which is why I got close quickly.. misunderstanding physical closeness for emotional closeness.

I'm not feeling particularly upset or depressed in writing this.. but its just a different facet of my personality that I don't let people know about. I don't talk about it except rarely in passing. You probably wouldn't have any idea of what was going on if you talked with me. I hide it very very well because I don't want people to feel pity or to look down on me because of this.. This is my problem. I know I'll get better soon.. I just don't know when that will be.