Inside her mind..

Alrighty then..

I'm feeling better. I'm sure you all are wondering with bated breath (ha!) what the heck is going on. Well, normal everyday routine is still the same. However, there are issues in my life that I recognized I needed professional help. The financial and self problems I've been having could easily drive me into a deep fit of depression.. but as with everything, I let them lie dormant and trudge on, trying my best to alleviate them.

With my break up this year, the financial aspect was the worst part of it all. As of today, I am $5000 in the hole through no effort of my own. I lost about $2000 in this nutritionist that went bankrupt (which I am crossing my fingers to recover sometime.. but probably not until next year) plus I had about $3000 invested in a money market through Cal Fed which they claim they no longer have a record of. Add that to rent, horse, food, dog, and personal items.. and I'm going to carry my first balance on my credit card. I canceled the card because my interest rate on that sucker was around 15.7%.. and tried to apply for a lower interest rate card. But with so much debt in my name(the house loan, the car loan, school loans), for the first time in my life I've been denied credit. Well, let me rephrase that.. I've been denied credit for lower interest cards. grrr. I can only get cards with high interest like the one I just canceled. So this is a small source of stress. You would *think* with how much money I earn from my job (and I earn quite a bit for a B.S. graduate 3 years out of school!!) I wouldn't have problems here.. but I'm budgeting and trying to manage my money better.

Personally.. I think things in my life have been settling down a bit. I have a lot of self-image problems. I do things sometimes that are harmful to my body, but recently I've been getting much better. I make a point to exercise everyday but I eat like shit sometimes.

I've been quietly seeing this guy. I adore his view of life, his humor, his eyes, and the way he kisses my head and reaches to hold my hand. However, communication is a problem.. part of me wishes he'd call me or email me more.. but in a way.. I'm glad that our relationship is progressing slowly. I'm 4 years older than him which makes me worry a bit.. he attends school and works erratic hours which makes it difficult to have set plans to see each other. However, when we're together.. we get along very well. He is unique from the other guys I'd been dating in that he really has no expectations of where we're to go. He's seen many things in his life and he seems to think the world of me.

Yesterday I attended the Folsom Street Fair. For those of you unfamiliar.. visit the link. It's basically a BDSM fair open to all sexual preferences. I was supposed to go with Mark but when I arrived in his dorm room at 2pm in the afternoon, I found him and his roommate still sleeping.. mmmkay. So I could've just gone home and spent the day doing nothing.. but I decided to be adventurous and go by myself. Oh.. the sights I saw! Oh to be a gay man in SF. There were soooo many hot yummy gay guys.. I got my cheap little thrills brushing against them in the crowded aisleways. I felt like I was in high school again.. hehe! There were quite a few transvestites (I did not see *one* attractive TV) and people in "fetish" gear. I saw for the first time an asian guy who I would have no hesitation licking from head to toe. He looked to be Japanese and was doing a whip demonstration. He was basically wearing a thick thong and nothing else. His body was beautifully tanned and muscular with defined pecs and stomach muscles. But what got me was his thighs (possibly my *favorite* part of a guy's body). They were lean.. yet thick with bulging muscles. Kind of like Chun Li's from Streetfighter.

Anyway, I've decided to quit playing Quake3 excessive. You have no idea how much drama there is that comes with playing a silly game. After 2 months without having access (no DSL or cable) I've found that I don't miss it much. Plus I've developed quite a few people who don't like me.. which doesn't bother me much.. but then there are a few people that I've gotten to know who I liked who decided I don't matter much either.. oh well, it's just a game and it was fun while it lasted.