Inside her mind..

My brother recently attended my grandfather's (on my father's side) funeral. This brought up a lot of emotions and prompted him to publish his UC essay on his site. Go read it. It explains a lot of my past.. what I grew up with. The issues with my father.. and perhaps a contribution to what has been going on with my relationship with Bob. At the counselor's, we delved a little into my perception of my parent's relationship. I can't even call it a relationship. My father was not a husband to my mother. At least not what I consider a husband.

I deny negative emotions. I've never dealt with what I experienced growing up. When I was in high school and all of this started happening, I turned to the internet and found a different world I could escape into. This was back in the early nineties when the Internet was still evolving.. my first experience would be dialup BBS's on my 2400 baud modem. I was having problems with the clique of friends I had at the time.. they were asians and decided to turn FOB on me so I escaped even further into the Internet. I wasn't completely recluse. I had Miho, my best friend there to support me at the time.. and I was also working at a veterinary clinic and hung out with friends I met from there. I remember one afternoon I was online.. I had lost track of time.. and finally when I got off the phone line, I got a call from Mark's elementary school asking where I was. I was supposed to pick him up that day and had completely forgot. It was 2 hours after school had ended for him.. I learned that he had been crying, waiting for me. The school was trying to call, but the line was busy. That was a turning point for me.. I felt I had failed as his sister.

Ugh, I can write more on this.. but not now.. I'm too tired. Right now I'm at my mom's place in Los Angeles for my sister's graduation on Saturday. Goodnight.. I'm going to bed..